I am so over her

My god y’all, we have so much to discuss. SO MUCH. It has been a crazy few weeks launching the Mother Load tour, but launched it now is, so I hope you will excuse the paucity of my recent postings. I promise to step it back up.

When we were last together, I was telling you that I am now, like, kind of friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.

But I am so completely over her you guys, ever since since she went on Oprah last month and said that her favorite kitchen timesaver, as a totally normal mom who cooks every night, was this Gaggenau steamer:

“It is the easiest thing ever! It makes the most gorgeous poached salmon with whatever fresh herbs you happen to have around!” she crowed. And I, imagining myself turning over a new leaf and serving things like poached salmon with herbs, providing it really was the “easiest thing ever,” made a mental note to Buy That Steamer.

The Oprah website didn’t have details, so I Googled “Gwyneth Oprah steamer,” whereupon I found out that it retails for EIGHTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Gwynie. I am only telling you this because we’re kind of friends a little bit. The next time you want to look like Josephine Six-Pack, check the price tag on the swag you got for free before you breezily suggest it as a must for every woman’s kitchen. I would not call myself a spendthrift, but my God, there are children in India without enough to eat. If there is really someone out there with $1800 to blow on a kitchen appliance, buy the Black and Decker steamer for $23.12, and give the other $1776.88 to charity. Or a failing Wall Street investment bank.