the amazing reach of cnn.com


If you are here thanks to cnn.com, welcome! If you’re not, you might want to check out this essay I wrote for Babytalk magazine, which was reprinted on cnn.com’s “Living” section today:

Why I Didn’t Want a Girl

I am thrilled to hear everyone’s feedback on the story, even if you didn’t like it. (If you nose around the comments section of the posts below, you will find a lively debate.)

A special shout-out to anyone who lives in FLORIDA! I am going to be visiting Tampa, Naples, and Fort Lauderdale between May 12 and 23, with my one-woman show MOTHER LOAD. You can find all the info here. I hope you’ll come check it out!

As far as the essay: I do want everyone to understand one thing. I did not title my essay “Why I Didn’t Want a Girl.” CNN did. Babytalk called it “Boy Crazy,” and my original title was “A Daughter, At Last.”

CNN’s title is definitely more provocative, but if you read my essay, I think you’ll find it’s much more about my concern about my apprehension about having a girl, than my proud statement of how anti-daughter I am.

18 months later, I am utterly besotted with Maddie. To all those strangers who told me how lucky I was to be having a girl: you were sure right.

PS For a lovely look at the inverse– what it’s like to want a daughter when you only have sons– check this out, by Allison Slater Tate.

{ 125 comments… read them below or add one }

CandyGirl April 30, 2009 at 5:44 pm

i’m so glad! phew! you’re very lucky, you got the best of both worlds! now your sons can help you take care of her!

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Maria April 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm

I read your article today and I have to admit, you did have some very compelling reasons for wanting another boy. It would have been easy. Too easy maybe? You have to remember that life is often complicated and adding a girl to the mix would make life that much more interesting. Another point of view! I have only one child and it happen to be a girl. She is 12 now and I can’t tell you how proud I am of her every day that I see her pushing the notion that if you are a girl, you can’t be good at things boys do well.

She does not try to be better than boys, she just wants to be able to do some of those things and enjoy them. I think our daughters are luckier than we were at that age. My daughter today has many more choices than I ever did and I am happy that for her, really, the sky is the limit.

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Sherri April 30, 2009 at 5:55 pm

I too was focused on having a boy because I taught elementary for 15 years and felt that I had better rapport with boys. I too got a pang of disappointment when the nurse accidentally told me the sex was female. My husband knew how I felt and quickly whispered, “You get to name her Simone!” That helped but I had all those same feelings mentioned about pink and ordered no one to buy frilly girlie things. Well, she just turned four and had a wonderful “Princess Party” and insists on watching her princess videos only after putting on her growing collection of princess garb. I’ve learned to let her be who she is and encourage, listen, and lastly participate with her lead. In fact, I find myself being influenced by her even though I still won’t wear heels! I’m proud that I can help shape her world and know that she will be a strong confident woman. By the way, she has been asking for a brother but I have seen the other boys her age and wonder if I could deal with their wildness and boy things!

I enjoyed the article on CNN. It felt good to identify with another mother finally!

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zena April 30, 2009 at 5:57 pm

I followed you from CNN to here. And I have to say, some commenters took your article and turned it into something completely different.

As a mom of three boys, I get where you were coming from 100%. I never had a desire to have a girl. Will I one day? I don’t know.

Great article, you now have a loyal follower!

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jLw April 30, 2009 at 5:59 pm

I did stumble across your blog from the CNN article! And I have thoroughly enjoyed reading some of the posts from the past 4 months. I’m a first time mom expecting a boy in August. Not sure what to expect, but I’ve been laughing out loud at some of the conversations you have with your sons and it actually gives me hope that I’ll make it through alright! Keep on posting!!! Oh and I enjoyed the article too!!!

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Lisa April 30, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Way to go, CNN! I enjoyed your artice, and am finding that I love your blog, as well. I think your followers are going to increase, thanks to CNN!
Lisa

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jellybean April 30, 2009 at 6:14 pm

I really enjoyed the article, because as the mother of an eight month old girl I felt the exact same way. I was pregnant with our first child, and during our sonogram the tech announces, “Its a girl, he legs are wide open.” I thought that this isn’t really the first thing you want to hear about your daughter. But fast forward several months and I absolutely love it.

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NukedSRT April 30, 2009 at 6:18 pm

I found your blog via the CNN.com article, as well, but I didn't read the comments until after reading this post. Instead, I spent some time exploring your website and blog, discovering that your experiences and insight are completely in line with those of my wife and me. So many of the comments on CNN appear to have been written without the poster having read and understood your whole essay.

I am deployed to Iraq for the next year, but I have already put in a request to your booking company to have your show come to my hometown of Honolulu, HI. I know my wife (& I, if possible) will love your show!! Keep up the great work as a wonderful mother (though you’re zust not the BEST mommy 😉 hehe) and intelligent writer/blogger!!

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Yanet April 30, 2009 at 6:19 pm

I just read your article in cnn during my launch break at work, and I was ready to post a comment and try to put you at ease with the fact that you were having a girl. I am the lucky mother of 2 beautiful and lovely girls, they are 20 and 8 months old. I’m not girlie girl, and most of my daughters’ clothes are either yellow or green, most of the pink ones have been gifts from family and friends. My oldest daughter loves her handmade wood collection of farm animals, and they both play with whatever they find in their way. I wanted girls from the beginning, I know what I am capable of, and if I was able to aim high and accomplish many things in my life, I know my daughters can too, and I will make sure they know it. My husband and I want a third child, and we will welcome whatever comes if we decide to go for it, he wants the boy but I’m sure he’ll be just as happy with another girl, so will I.

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uts April 30, 2009 at 6:22 pm

I read your article today, you really had compelling reasons for wanting to have another boy.
I have 28 month old boy and I can understand your feeling.
Boys have different way of doing things and reacting, girls are more calm and relaxed.
I think these days u have to be really lucky to have both a boy and girl.

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Leanne April 30, 2009 at 6:38 pm

Hello from a CNN stopover. I have three too. Girl, boy, girl. I often wonder if it would have been easier to have all three the same sex. I’ll never know, and like you once I saw their little faces I never wanted anything different. Great piece. I’m glad I found you.

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Jeni Girl April 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm

I am a child of three. I have two older brothers and I loved being the baby girl with two older brothers. They took care of me, they watched out for me, they were my rocks. Your little girl will love having two older brothers. She is adorable! I loved your article so much, it felt good to read an article and relate to someone. I’m pregnant with my second and it does scare me to think that I might have a girl. I’ve always related much better to boys then girls. I have a boy already and he’s the little love of my life, it’s so hard to even picture another baby at all, let alone a girl. I find out what I’m having May 5th. Guess we’ll see which way it goes! The worst part is, my husband and I always agree on boy names easily, girl names…boy oh boy…it looks like we might be picking a name from a paper bag. hehe

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lileigh April 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Thumbs down to CNN for jacking with the title of your piece – it is however the reason I made time to read the article. I consider myself hyperaware of gender issues and while you may have had a softer title for your original piece, I’m having a hard time swallowing the attitude behind the essay. When this happens – me choking on something and wanting to vent my opinions – I try to stop and examine my reactions. That is exactly what I do not find in your article. Your experiences with gender selection (even if only in your head) and your descriptions relying on some rigid and constricting stereotypes of girls and boys indicate that things happen “to” you. That you are not shaping your life, but passively experiencing it. You can and probably will pass this on to your children. You are allowing all of us to watch your life happen by writing on your blog, but it seems like you are sitting in the audience with us. I hope that your sons do not mature to become men who subtly discount the power, strength and gifts of females no matter how different from their egocentric worlds (as you have taught them to do while mocking princess parties). I hope that your daughter does not feel alien or different in her own childhood because you decided before she was even sex-selected in the womb that her hair, her aesthetic and her has-to-be-like-this-because-male-history-tells-me-so-nature (your words: [girls] whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate) is bad. You are god to your children for a short but crucial period of time. Your article makes your sons out to be fierce masters of their worlds, and your daughter a lesser/simpler creature. If you feel jumpy or prickly about my comments examine that reaction too. You owe it to your daughter..and the little girl you once were.

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RaJen April 30, 2009 at 6:55 pm

I read your article. Liked it, no loved it. I’m not sure about the frilly stuff either, and yet, I have twins – a boy AND a girl. And in the way that it bothers you that people think you might feel INcomplete without a girl, it bothers me that people assume that I feel COMPLETE with only one boy and one girl. Their favorite statement: “Oh, how wonderful that you got a boy and girl…now you’re done?” What? What if I want a third?

Rachel
http://www.rajencreation.wordpress.com

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Bob Kuhn April 30, 2009 at 6:57 pm

I found your article a little sad. Hopefully your daughter has an open mind years from now when she reads what you wrote. At the bottom of the CNN article it says you “get it” now. As a dad to a daughter I am not sure what there was to get. Dad, daughter, love, unconditional. No problem. Would have been the same for a boy. Good luck to you.

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tj April 30, 2009 at 7:35 pm

I’ve got 4 girls, which is a handful, obviously. If we had another child, I’m not sure that at this point I’d want a boy anymore. I know girls now, whereas raising a boy would be a mystery to me…Flip side of the same coin.

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Lexi April 30, 2009 at 7:57 pm

I read your article and everything you said about not wanting a girl in the beginning is EXACTLY how I feel. I am married (almost 2 years) and keep getting the “When will you have kids” question. I’ve said over and over how I’d rather have boys because I just can’t see myself with the frills, the pink, and yes, the Hannah Montana. Growing up with 3 older brothers and no sisters has afforded me the opportunity to live with nothing but testosterone. My husband, growing up with 2 older sisters and no brothers…well, he wants a girl.

That article was extremely refreshing to know that I’m not the only one; to know that I’m not crazy when I tell people that, and also provides hope for that feeling to dissipate once I actually have a child. I’ll be searching for advice once I actually have children!

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Em April 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm

As a mom to two sweet boys, I adored your article. I wish I had a dollar every time I heard “hoping for a girl?” the second time around (For the record I was, because golly, there must be something if everyone keeps telling me that I HAVE to have one – like a puppy in the window 🙂

I’m so glad Maddie is your incredible blessing in disguise – when I look at my two boys I often think of one of my favorite movie quotes – “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted.” (Matthew Perry – “Fools Rush In.”)

That pretty much sums up motherhood for me.

Off to look around…

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Beth April 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm

I just read your story on CNN. I felt the same way you did when I found out I was having a girl. I was sooooo disappointed. Now, nearly 2 years later, I am thrilled, and I don’t want to have any boys!

Congratulations on your family!

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t.j.c. April 30, 2009 at 9:32 pm

As the mother of a teenage daughter and son – I wish I had two boys! Girls are diffcult and sometimes maddening! Teenagers are difficult no matter what sex they are, but wow, looking back I would have to completely agree with the ease and fun of raising a boy!

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Gloria April 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm

I have been deeply upset by your essay since reading it this morning. Although you attempt to make up for your loathing of all things “girl” now that you have one, I am left wondering what it is that you truly “get” now. Do you “get” that your idea that all girls are a certain type of person is what makes it more difficult for girls who chose not to accept these stereotypes? Do you “get” that by screaming “YUCK” with your boys, you are reinforcing that they are better than a girl. Do you really “get” that our society is made up of millions of people, like yourself, who speak as if “girly” things are negative? As if a girl chooses to wear pink, that makes her less than? As a woman who works with girls, inspiring them to rise above these tired stereotypes, I noticed that you still haven’t rejected your preconceived ideas about how your daughter would behave…and if she does prefer pink, I am curious if you embrace her and her choices. You wrote that you were worried about bringing a girl into this society that might send the message that “she is not good enough just the way she is,” but your article was chocked full of that same sentiment. If every gender stereotype in your article were referring to racial stereotypes, there would be a public outcry. I am angry that sexism is still accepted in this society, and shocked that others do not see it.

My seven year old daughter pointed out that if you don’t like pink parties, why would you assume your daughter would? She said it doesn’t make any sense for you to say bad things about girls when you are one. I agree. That’s my girl.

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Roxane B. Salonen April 30, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Amy, just let it be known I was a faithful follower before you became famous (smile). Good job on garnering the publicity that will help you reach an even wider audience. Finally, that photo is absolutely precious.

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Kristi April 30, 2009 at 9:43 pm

I loved your article and can really relate to it. I was the one who wanted the girl. When I was pregnant with my first child, I couldn’t wait to find out the sex of the baby and I was able to talk my doctor into letting me do the ultrasound to find out at 17 weeks. When I found out I was having a boy, I hate to say that I was devastated! However, as you said, once he was here I was in love and it didn’t matter that I had a boy. I don’t know why people usually don’t want boys! He is now almost 6 months old and he is a joy in my life. I now look forward to my future of ‘boy things’.
I would be greatly blessed to have more children and I pray that I will. I now want more boys, 3 would be fine! Somehow I’ve changed though, I’m almost afraid to have a girl. To sum up my feelings and what you said…I now realize that boy or girl, children are amazing blessings and it doesn’t matter what their sex is, its the love and the joy they bring into your life.

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marieSF April 30, 2009 at 9:48 pm

What is it Forrest Gump said, life is like a box of chocolates… you could end up with a pink princess girl. Heck, you could end up with a pink princess boy.

My older sister was a “pink princess” and my parents expected me to be like that too. They bought me a canopy bed when I wanted bunk beds. They got me baby dolls when I wanted Matchbox cars. They couldn’t figure out why their darling 2nd daughter liked wearing red plaid instead of baby blue.

So to anyone reading this. Don’t put labels on your kids, whatever their gender. I’m so grateful my husband likes me just the way I am.

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Jessica April 30, 2009 at 10:20 pm

Found you through CNN. I didn’t read the comments but will have to go back and do that.

When I was prego with my daughter, I was sure it was a boy. The ultrasound was only to confirm what I KNEW already. When I found out she was a girl, I cried.

Now nearly 3 years later, I love having a girl. I still hope to have boys. Great article!

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Stefunny April 30, 2009 at 10:47 pm

“”Just think, she’ll be quiet. Calm. Easy.”

As the mother of 3 spunky, zesty, full-of-life daughters, I absolutely HATE this very common comment about girls: that they are quiet and easy. Really? My 3 are anything but. I am raising them to hopefully be strong, secure women.

On the flip side, I have had to answer the question: “oh, are you going to have #4 and try for a boy?” a zillion times as if having a boy somehow cements my husband’s manhood or completes the family in some way.

I wouldn’t trade my 3 girls for anything because the sister and mother/daughter bond is really cool but they, most definitely, are not calm, quiet or easy.

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GaelicAmethyst April 30, 2009 at 10:56 pm

I read the story on CNN and then had to check out your blog. I had a girl first. I was terrified! I grew up with three brothers in a neighborhood with only one other girl and she was younger than I was. I only knew boys. Boys were more accepted in our house so I played with boy toys, road bikes with the boys, helped my dad with boys’ little league. My mother preferred boys and made it very clear, so dolls and hair things and frilly dresses were so completely foreign to me. I understand my son’s need to use the furniture as a trampoline, to take things apart to see how they work (and not be able to put them back together again), to use the walls to bounce his baseball against, to run, drop and roll down the hall rather than walking calmly. I was used to that growing up.

Girls were alien territory, but, my girl is 15 now, and through her I have learned what it means to be a girl. While I still don’t always understand it, I embrace her girliness as something very special and I encourage it. I have learned from her and have enjoyed the process of learning. She is more than my daughter: she is my teacher, my mentor, and my friend and I thank God every day for His wisdom in giving her to me.

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peanut April 30, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Well said Gloria. I could not say it better.

An example: I work for a man who has a son. He absolutely did not want a daughter and would say things like “girls are creepy” “girls are awful” “girls are manipulative”….. he comes from a family of 3 boys and 4 nephews. Perpetuating such sexism is sickening, no matter how casual or whether it is intended to be “funny”. Hearing it come from a woman is painful. CNN did you a disservice by giving your article an awful title, but the essay itself didn’t really seem that far off.

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carisa May 1, 2009 at 12:11 am

I also read your article at cnn. I liked it; I thought it was a very honest piece. I have an 11 month old son and if we have a second child, we’d both like a girl. For me, it’s just to experience something different. But I would be equally happy with a boy, too.

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carpediem May 1, 2009 at 12:20 am

Just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article on cnn.com. Your sense of humor as well as insight into the subject was creative. It was creative in the sense that as a single/20-something girl, I still felt that I was able to relate to it. Kudos to you for daring to say the things that many moms would love to say. It is writers like you who dare to push the envelope and be real that make stories more open and honest. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am thrilled to hear that you have a play that is touring. Congratulations to you on all of your success.

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Candice May 1, 2009 at 12:55 am

I came to your via CNN and love it. My sister has a 13 mth old boy, is pregnant, and only wants another boy but I know if she has a girl, she will love her.

I love your blog and look forward to continuing to read it.

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onecraftychick May 1, 2009 at 1:20 am

I enjoyed reading your article on cnn.com and I had to laugh out loud when I read that “Plus I can choose not to expose my daughter to the pink princess world…” I am afraid that would be close to impossible. I tried to avoid the princess world but it sucks you in! My daughter is three and there is so much pink and princess in my house it is insane. But much to my surprise I do like the color pink now and being a princess is a lot of fun.
I am the oldest of five and I have four brothers. Boys is all I have known growing up and most of my friends in high school were male. I thought for sure I was having a boy with my first and I was thoroughly shocked she came out a girl. I was terrified to have a girl but my daughter is three now and she has taught me how to be a girly girl and has allowed me to embrace certain aspects of being a female. I will thank her one day for allowing me to do things I never really did as a child because I was always surrounded by boys.
When I was pregnant with my second, I thought again I was having a boy. Wrong again. So much for mother’s intuition! My second daughter is 18 months and she is a whirlwind of activity and has such an enthusiasm for life. My guess is she will follow in her sister’s footsteps and be a pretty princess but if she wants to play in the mud with trucks, I am all for it!

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Jason and Emily May 1, 2009 at 1:26 am

I have twin boys who will be three next month and just had a little girl two weeks ago. I chose not too find out the sex of my kids(my husband knew we were having a girl, but managed to keep it from me). And I can completely relate to how you felt before having your girl. I’m just taking every day as it comes and trying to cherish the time because I know, whatever the sex of the child, it passes all too quickly. Her brothers have already dressed her up like a pirate and she peacefully slept through it all. Maybe I can handle this after all.

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beantater May 1, 2009 at 1:33 am

Just read your article. When I found out my second was going to be a girl (like the first) I was so happy I cried. I could only think about how my brother calls my mom once a month – at most. I wanted a girl who might grow up and want me around. Anyway, I read something somewhere that sums up my feelings about my girls and it is something like this: Having a daughter makes it easier to face the fact that you will one day lose your mother. My mom is my best friend and I know one day she will be gone and I hope to play the same role, for my daughters, that she has played for me. I’m sure boys are great, too! Glad to hear you are enjoying your daughter.

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Sweet P May 1, 2009 at 2:34 am

I am here because of CNN and boy, oh boy, can I relate to your story. I had two boys and when I became pregnant a third time I wanted a boy too. That was 25 years ago when you the sex of the child was not known until birth. My DIL had her first child 3 weeks ago – a boy. have been surrounded by males all my life – 3 brothers, 3 sons and 2 grandsons. I don’t what I do if I had to deal with a baby girl. Although I’m sure I would love her.

I’m off to check out the rest of your blog now.

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crrv May 1, 2009 at 2:54 am

You took the words right out of my mouth, except I have 2 girls and we are trying for a third.

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Modest Mama May 1, 2009 at 3:13 am

I was pregnant with my fourth and had three boys in tow. One gal asked the sex and when I said I didn’t know, she looked over at my boys and said, “Maybe this time you will get lucky.” My oldest son later asked what that gal meant.

People who don’t have boys just don’t understand. It’s work, but any kid is work.

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Matt May 1, 2009 at 3:19 am

My husband directed me to the CNN story. We are the parents of 2 boys and are trying to decide whether to have a 3rd baby. Your article was good to read. I need to decide to have another baby to have another baby and not to “try for a girl”. I am glad to hear that things are well with you and your daughter.

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Tasha S May 1, 2009 at 3:31 am

I ended up here from cnn.com. I had two boys already when I got pregnant with my third child. I actually wanted a girl (I am the oldest of 4 girls) but after finding out that it was indeed another boy I thought about how much easier it would be because I already knew what to expect. And after having three boys, I’m at odds about having a girl now but that the whole point of a curveball. I will add that I am appalled at some of the comments that were written by the folks that think you are anti-girl. They obviously didn’t read any of the other blogs before posting their opinion. Every person is different and so are their ways of thinking, so it’s not fair for someone to bash you because you had concerns that differ from theirs. That’s the blessing behind free speech. I loved your other blogs and I will continue to read them from here on out.

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Janet May 1, 2009 at 3:43 am

Just read your article on CNN.com. I, too, was a bit disappointed that you had bought into society’s closed minded view of women being inferior if they are “girlie”. What’s wrong with being girlie?? But I get that you were actually just afraid your daughter was going to be so much more “high maintenance” than your boys and you were unsure if you’d be able to handle that. Anyone who has two same sex children and are expecting their third child probably has the same concerns, regardless of whether their first two are boys or girls. I have two boys and we’re now working for baby #3 and I’m truly not anxious about what we’ll have. Sure, I’m familiar with boys and their needs. But we didn’t know what we were doing when we had our first one and we’re doing just fine. Learned on-the-job as most new parents did. I’m sure that if we have a girl we’ll be fine, too. No worries.

But what bothered me more than your fear of your ability to handle a girl was your defensive stance against people who were just trying to be amiable in asking about your pregnancy. I didn’t start having children until I was 38 so when I was pregnant I was so thrilled about it that I WANTED people to ask me about my pregnancy. I didn’t care who asked me or what their motivation was or whether I’d heard the same things a million times. I heard the same comments you did when I was pregnant with my second boy…was I hoping for a girl? People only ask that because that is how society has been programmed because that’s really how a lot of women feel!!!! Women have created our own environment on this one. You sound like a total women’s libber, patronizing people for just being friendly and assuming what they’re thinking (that you’re incomplete unless you have a girl). How do you know what they’re thinking?? Geez, lady, lighten up!! You could really have some interesting conversations with strangers but you have such a chip on your shoulder I don’t know how you get any joy out of small talk. Quit analyzing everyone to death, killjoy. You should be happy people weren’t blasting you for contributing to overpopulation instead of adopting!

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Jenn Pesek May 1, 2009 at 3:59 am

Congratulations on having a daughter! My cousin recently had two beautiful little girls (identical twins!) and I know my whole family went through the same feelings you did. How was I going to be able to be an Aunt to 2 princesses?! Well…. the answer to that is I will probably go broke spoiling them, but that doesn’t matter to me. I hope your daughter brings you as much joy as my little nieces already have!

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Susan May 1, 2009 at 4:21 am

I laughed because of your assumption boys are easy–not always! Mine was such a handful there almost wasn’t a second child period. He was 7 before I had the nerve to adopt his sister–but what a wonderful thing she is. I love my son, attitude and all, but I am grateful for the change of pace that is my little girl.

I think you learned what every mother knows: you don’t realize how amazing your child will be until that moment they are put the baby in your arms. Then that baby is the most perfect in the world simply because he or she is yours.

Great article and congratulations on being the mother of three.

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Jana May 1, 2009 at 4:25 am

I’m glad to hear your take on the titling of the story…I have to admit, I was a bit offended at the implications of the CNN title. Part of it is that my mother-in-law (mother of three boys) has always talked about how “girls are so much harder than boys.” My first-born is a girl, my second a son. I just think they’re difficult in different ways.

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Lynn Weddle May 1, 2009 at 4:45 am

Read the article and I honestly felt the same way but in the opposite direction. I had a little girl and when everyone found out I was expecting again, the common response was “Oh do you wish it was a boy? boys are so much easier. They love their mothers so much.”

I was shocked. I felt they were trampling on this relationship I had with my daughter. When I found it was a boy, I spent 3 weeks crying over all of my girls clothes thinking, “I will probably never use these again.”

1.5 years later… boys are different. They do love their moms.. but they also have a mean right hook.

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RN 4 Kids May 1, 2009 at 5:25 am

A mom I know wrote a book called Altered Dreams…it’s about gender disappointment…it is wonderful…cute blog.

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Tracey May 1, 2009 at 5:36 am

Being a mother of 4 boy’s then having I girl I totally get where you were coming from. It totaly freaked me out when I found out about my daughter (now 3). Even after she was born I had a hard time bonding. I really thought she didn’t like me. (yeah a little nutty). People still say to me “You finally got your girl”. I really resent this because I just wanted another baby. I can say now that yes I got my girl weather I wanted one or not and I could not be happier. She is one of the 5 best things that ever happened to me. I never realized what I was missing until I had her. There is a hole filled that I never knew was there.

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Samantha May 1, 2009 at 5:37 am

I have 2 sons 11 and 7. I tried for a girl in 08..I got twin boys. Lovin every minute of it.=)

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Eileen At May 1, 2009 at 5:38 am

I’m quite sad that your daughter will someday read this article about how unwanted she was — by both her parents!!

I hope writing articles at the expense of your children earns you enough money to pay for their therapy.

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Allison May 1, 2009 at 5:54 am

Ugg, I hope you know to ignore comments like the last one. Unhappy people can be so rude.

Great article – you are a great mother, I’m sure.

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Elizabeth May 1, 2009 at 6:01 am

I work for an adoption agency. I don’t know if you realize it, but about 90% of all families who adopt ask for girls (if they get the choice). I’m not exaggerating. If they have a daughter, their daughter needs a sister. If they have a son, their son needs a sister. Apparently, no one needs a brother. It breaks my heart to see little boys waiting and waiting for families while people fall over themselves to adopt little girls. Your article was such a breath of fresh air – a positive article about boys! Sons are wonderful too! I just wish more moms realized it.

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Sophia's Mumma May 1, 2009 at 6:09 am

I thought I wanted boys, only boys. First child is a girl, and I cannot imagine her being anything other than the fabulous wonderful spirit that she is. Sophia is now 2 and a few months. What an amazing being this little girl with long brown hair and deep blue eyes. Always on the go, ready to try anything, do anything, and I watch her sleep, because it fills me with emotion for which there are no words, just joy. Maybe the next one will be a boy, but I will not wish for one this time.

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Eline May 1, 2009 at 6:13 am

I read your article today, and I felt exactly the same when I expected my 3th child! I could have written this story, always people saying “I must be hoping for a girl”, when I was so afraid getting lost into bows, nailpolish, girlie stuff….
I even asked at my last amnio to tell me, so I could get used to the idea of having a girl before the baby was born…….and feeling strange after they told me that indeed this was a girl.
And then she was born….and I immeadly felt an overwhelming love, this was MY girl! MY DAUGHTER!!!
She turned 8 this month, and I still call her my cherry on the cream, I’m so completely happy with having a girl!!

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Anne May 1, 2009 at 6:18 am

What happened to you in your life that made you have hate towards girls? Hopefully you will be a better mother to your new daughter. How sad your life must be. Was this article worth your daughters feelings?

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mousegirl May 1, 2009 at 6:46 am

I am fascinated to read about someone who had that opposite “phobia” as I did! When I realized I wanted to be a mother, I had all these fantasies about raising a darling little girl who would love ponies, wear pink but only when paired with black, and grow up to be the most beautiful princess in the land with a knack for besting boys. Then I realized that I was just as likely to have a boy and I had myself a little freak-out. Actually, the freak-out lasted a few years. Let’s just say that growing up I hated my brothers and didn’t have many positive male role models. It wasn’t until my boss had a son that I realized I could fall in love with a baby boy just as easily as with a girl. Plus, my husband and his family will provide lots of positive role models.

The other day at Target I saw a kit in the boys’ bedroom aisle for hanging a tent over a kid’s bed – as opposed to a princess canopy for a girl. I got very excited, telling myself that if I had a little boy, I was SO going to buy that for him! I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face after that. Now that my husband and I are actively trying to get pregnant for the first time, I admit that I still want a little girl – someone to raise to be just like me, only better! But now I’m comfortable with the fact that having a boy would be just as fun.

I’m so glad I read that offensively-titled story at CNN. You have a wonderful charm and sense of humor when talking about every day life. I can’t wait to see what you have to say tomorrow.

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sieg May 1, 2009 at 6:53 am

Read the article. So you get it now. So, how are you and your husband going to undo the girls are stupid/inferior conditioning on your sons? Thanks a lot for teaching your sons that everything girly or related to girls is inferior. I’m working in a technical field with a lot of guys and get to hear every day how women suck at one thing or another. You know how to best insult a guy? By calling them a woman or any other term that relates to women in a rather less than kind way. It starts young you know. With the pink and frilly and the “YUCK!! That’s for GIRLS!!”

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Xgirl360 May 1, 2009 at 7:33 am

I related to this article. My husband and I are unable to have children and thus are adopting. In adoption, we have the added luxury of being able to chose certain things and don’t have to rely on chance. One of our major debates has been do we want a boy or a girl. My husband had 3 brothers and no sisters. I grew up with one of each and both of us were the oldest child.

I remember by siblings growing up and know what to expect from a boy and from a girl. I’ve been arguing in favor of a little boy. I really connected with the arguments about boy vs girl in your article. And, in the end, either would be a blessing that I would be very happy to have. Your journey was wonderful to read and got me energized to wade back into the maze of paperwork and home studies. I wish your family many happy years. Thank you for your story.

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spydyee May 1, 2009 at 7:56 am

I would like to gently state to all those lovely people that are busy dissing Amy over being honest about her feelings that keeping them inside would not have protected her child from those feelings. If they were real and writing about them helped her work through them then she can help her daughter understand them.

My parents wanted a boy. They wanted one so bad that when they decided to actually consider the possibility that I might be a girl (right in the middle of helping my paternal grandmother move) they got into a huge argument over what to name me. In a temper tantrum my grandmother pitched a book at them and when she picked it up she told them to name me the first thing she saw in the book if I was a (numerous explicatives inserted here)GIRL! The name stuck and I have been saddled with being named after the Greek Goddess of Wisdom all my life.

You see my grandmother was an avid scholar of Greek and Roman Mythology. I am lucky not to be named Persophone or Medusa. By the grace of Zeus( or maybe it was Hera) I am named Athena.

I have lived with that story in my life since I was 6 years old and first asked my parents how I got my name because I was being picked on at school about it. I got even with my father and named my daughter something he hated (luckily she loves her name).

The point is that when we reach adulthood (if we reach adulthood) we realize that our parents are human. The problems only come when children get so lonely as children that they (like one of my sons) decide that no life is better than the one they have.

A mom with a real grip on how important it is to “Seet” with her precious daughter and that the dishwasher will work fine while you sit up waiting for her to come home from her first date or the prom. You can wash the dishes seventy times that night so that they are always just getting done when she walks in on cloud nine and wonders why you are still up.

Amy you are doing fine and as a mom with lots of experience (9 kids ages 30 to 6 and 5 grandkids)I can tell you that from reading your other posts I know you get it and I know that your daughter may be the princess type like mine but remember even they are complicated little creatures. My daughter is 6 and has gone from Disney princesses to Hanna Montana. However, that same child loves flying kites with her dad and working on computers with him. Oh yeah she is in the process of learning to sew with me and build a computer from scratch with her 8 year old brother and dad. I have too much homework to grade because I homeschool so I am skipping the computer building project this time. I did it with the one that is now 15 and a boy and is going to be a chef (girls dishes boys cars NAH! give him a spatula and a mixer you can keep the Tonka trucks for all my girls).

The point here is that whether you are building computers, sewing, cooking, singing, writing or blogging, you have to take care of you in order to take care of them. Taking care of your own fears, worries, cares, concerns and importantly the stereotypical perceptions that all of us women want a girl and all men want a boy is crucial to your mental health and that is crucial their mental health. Oh and BTW I totally get it. My kids are in multiple generations and are mostly boys. All the girls get along better with their respective dads and all the boys get along better with me. I love my daughters but they are all daddy’s little girls and the boys were all “Mama’s little men” as they were growing up.

The “babies” are the only ones where they don’t have a “favorite parent” just favorite activities to do with each parent. Perhaps we have grown up and we are not making as big a difference in them as I and my previous husbands made in the other children. Maybe they are just different people than their siblings.

Let me say to everyone here that I have buried a child that thought his life was not worth living. He was always wanted by everyone in the family. He was loved (TOO MUCH) and if we failed him in any way it was that we tried to protect him from our feelings about him, his injuries from a childhood accident, and the big bad world. Well one day that big bad world reached into the safety of our enclave and touched him and he chose no life over the life he had. He was overprotected and smothered and now he is gone and not a day goes by that there is not some level of regret that we failed a 17 year old that badly.

No, it will do that child more good to have a mother that can be honest about all her feelings and instill that level of honesty in her children. If the boys hate pink princess parties then they hate them. they don’t have to lie about and pretend to like them because it is politically correct.

We do still have freedom of speech in this country. Maddie has a right to go YUCK at the idea of a Bakugan, Pokemon, Yug-I-O, or whatever the latest testosterone laden TV show of the week is party just like they get to go Yuck at the Hannah Montana stuff.

You only need to begin to worry when your boys start watching Miley Cyrus and recounting how “She is not much older than them” or “that she is the same age as them” and how “cute” she is.

That Amy is when you need to worry because they have discovered “girls” which inevitably leads to them considering medical careers in gynecology for a brief period of time.

My teen son(the future chef) that was born exactly 10 months and 12 days after Ms. Cyrus reminds me constantly that they do get over that dislike of pink and eventually want to see not only the pink and the frillies but the creatures in them.

Keep up the good work Amy and remember that the naysayers here just need some easter candy loaded with pwoteen and mint to recover their senses of humor.

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Kelly May 1, 2009 at 8:48 am

I really related with your story! I had a boy and everyone, naturally, upon hearing I was pregnant again just six months after his birth started badgering me, “Oh, I hope you have a girl!” That really ticked me off. THEY hoped?? What business of it was theirs? I didn’t want a whiny, clingy little girl. I didn’t even think I liked little girls. I literally burst into tears when the doctor told me I was having a girls. I was SO miserable and everyone thought I was ungrateful…

But then she was born…and the 1st three months were awful. She was colicky, but I loved her. 2 years have gone by and I’m head over heels for her…I’m CRAZY about that little girl. She can enchant me by tipping her head and giggling, smashing her hands over her beautiful mouth. She throws her arms around my neck and squeezes and says, “I love you, Mommy!” She loves it when I brush her hair…and I love it, too. That’s funny coming from someone who had NO interest in stuff like this before.

Where my son picked my husband as his favorite, my daughter is clearly a Mommy’s girl. She’s cuddly, calm, sweet, and every time I think of the days when I didn’t want her and wanted a boy instead, it kills me. It’s like a knife through my heart…but it only makes me love her more.

I completely understand where you were coming from. You’re not heartless or insensitive. It’s just part of life. Upon further thinking about all this, I realize my “girl problems” came from my own issues with my mother and issues with women today. I hear women talking about how they “hate women” all the time…and I hate that! Women are so MEAN to each other, especially mothers. It’s a vicious, catty work we live in.

Girls open us up to the purity still left to be found in that world, though. We get the chance to raise a woman’s woman – the type of girl we wished we had known more of growing up. Heck, we even learn to relish the parts of being a girl we started being ashamed of (princesses and pink stuff). There’s a special bond between mother and daughter…and I’m glad you and I both get to experience it! Congratulations! 🙂

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Kelly May 1, 2009 at 8:51 am

Goodness, please forgive my typos in my previous comment. That tells me it’s time to go to bed!

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Decidere May 1, 2009 at 9:08 am

I was disappointed by your article, and the title doesn’t have much to do with it. However, it’s good you expressed your feelings, and while it’s sad for me to see the huge number of “I felt like that too” responses, well, ignoring reality would be worse.

I have 2 fun girls who like pink sometimes, green and blue sometimes, who like dancing and Barbies (no matter that we made sure they were down on the rung of possibilities) and computers and electronics and history and math and race cars and theater and running and art. Are they more fussy than the whiny, gonzo little boys I see? Probably about the same, though I notice kids vary greatly in how much energy they have, whatever the sex. Lessee, my kids didn’t like animal books at all, no matter how much we tried to foist them on them. No interest. A book with a girl they can identify with – perfect. No big deal, clear out the animal books, forget about Hardy Boys, and there’s still a lot of fun out there to read.

During the pregnancy, we didn’t want to know either. So much so that we ended up with unpredicted twin the day of the birth. Double fun, saved a 2nd 9 months of pregnancy. Boys or girls, didn’t matter – they were going to tell their story, we were going to have our fun and hard work and frustrations. It’s called life. We were overjoyed to be parents, even with some birth complications that still make life quite difficult. The best books are not necessarily the simplest and happiest.

The only big difference in girls vs. boys I suppose is I have to explain to my girls how the world works against them with its warped expectations and biases, and prepare them more to be stronger and more inventive. But they’re clever. They get it.

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HReneeH May 1, 2009 at 10:24 am

I had a boy first and he was just great (still is). He fit into our family so easily that when I became pregnant with my 2nd I really worried that a girl would “fit”. Well Amelia is now 6 months and while she didn’t slide easily into our family (she is the definition of Diva) I wouldn’t trade her toothless grins for anything. Thanks for letting me know I”m not alone.

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Demi's Mom May 1, 2009 at 11:51 am

I just got here from cnn with tears in my eyes. When I was pregnant with our one and only child who is now 5 years old I wanted a boy more than anything in the world. Like you, I didn’t think I could handle a little princess girl or know what to do with one. 🙂 We also chose not to know the sex of the baby until it was born. When the Dr. said “it’s a girl”, my heart sank and both my husband and I had this look of fear in our eyes because we just didn’t think it would happen! We love her more than live itself today and it’s truly been a struggle for me, but I don’t think I’d have it any other way – I’m so glad to know there are other Women out there who didn’t want a girl! 🙂 Angela

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boymom May 1, 2009 at 12:03 pm

This was a great article. Thank you for sharing!

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Kristen May 1, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Found your article on CNN. Had to read it because I felt exactly the opposite of you. I only wanted girls. NO BOYS! My first child was a daughter and I was instantly a girl snob. I felt sorry for mother’s of boys. Then, I had a boy 4 1/2 years later. I was not thrilled during my pregnancy to say the least. After he was born, it still took some getting used to. It wasn’t until he was about 2-years-old and out of that baby stage that I realized that boys were ‘da bomb’! I think there is a reason why people like me are given boys and people like you are given girls. We needed to learn and understand something beyond what we initially knew and though we wanted. Best of luck with your daughter. Girls are fun, but boys are EASIER =)

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iLoVeMySoN May 1, 2009 at 12:18 pm

It’s funny. When I was pregnant, I had the opposite problem. I was convinced it was a girl and I was so excited. My mom and I are really close and I couldn’t wait to share that relationship with my little girl. Then came the ultrasound, the circling of the part that definitely DID NOT belong to my little girl, and the bubble burst inside. I called my mom and told her that she wouldn’t be getting that first granddaughter after 4 grandsons and waited for the disappointment. She got so excited that I couldn’t help but begin to see the possibilities of my little boy. Now, at 3 and a half, I can’t imagine him being anything but what he is. The rough and tumble, smart, amazing little boy that I love! 🙂

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Simeta May 1, 2009 at 12:20 pm

I have a mix of laughter and tears at this moment. I have 3 girls and one busy 4 year old little boy. When he was born-being the last I sat holding him crying-I had no idea what I was even going to do with a boy after having 3 girls. Some how I just assumed he too would be a girl-oh baby was I wrong. My girls all over due-almost 9 lb, my son 1.5 months early at 4.11 lb. It took me an entire day to over come my shock-but Monday will be four years, and I have to say that he is the only one still is willing to give hugs and kisses in public-I almost can throw a ball for him, I can make the best car noises out of all the mommies at daycare-I guess I figured out that there is nothing better than a dirty hug and kiss at the end of the busy day. I dont have to bush his hair like I fight with his sisters about-how much fun is this! Thank God for my girls-and my my vivatious, loving little boy.

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Leslie May 1, 2009 at 12:34 pm

When my sister had my nephew, both she and baby nearly died, so she was scared to have another one. My nephew is a wonderful child – sweet, loving, gentle, and so smart that it’s scary. So my sister hesitated to have another one. My mother, who had 2 girls and a boy, loves my brother dearly, and I think even prefers boys. But she told my sister, “You should try for a girl, because girls call home when they grow up.” My brother loves my Mom, but he really doesn’t call home very often. She sees my sister and I, and the kids, on a constant basis. Mom explained to my sister that when they grow up, that connection between her and a daughter would become more apparent. She’d understand when it happened. A daughter would want Mom’s advise if she had children of her own. A son’s wife might be more likely to want her own Mom’s help. The mother of the groom never seems to have as much to do as the mother of the bride. It’s not until they’re older that a mother might really appreciate having a girl. Of course this has been my Mom’s experience, and could be entirely different for you. Everyone’s experiences are different. But this is the experience that I’m familiar with, so it’s what I’m sharing. I also find it to be true for my friends as well though. My sister now has a daughter too. She’s actually the wilder of the two, but she’s certainly entertaining. Congratulations on all of your children. I’m sure they’re the joys of your life.

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Jess May 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Just ready the article on CNN today. I had the same aprehension. I have a stepdaughter and she is a handful at 14…I wasn’t sure I could handle a girl…I grew up wtih brothers. But we do ok. When I was pregnant she wanted a little sister. I wanted to give my husband a son…and I did. After the ultrasound my husband apologized for not having a girl..I was like “Why? We’ll have one of each now and frankly I was happy to have the boy. I have to say I’m glad I have one of each in my life. Congrats on your little girl and your two little boys. And for what its worth, my son is much much more affectionate than my daughter.

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HannColl May 1, 2009 at 12:47 pm

Your article made me angry enough that I blogged about it myself. When my daughter was born, my grandmother sighed “Oh, well, it’s always a disappointment when it’s a girl, but you love ’em anyway.” I didn’t understand that attitude from her then, and I don’t understand it from you now. Girls are not alien creatures. And they’re certainly not all ‘mean, whiny and manipulative,’ though you seem determined to prove your own point by being all three of those things.

As you point out yourself, girls have a harder time in this world than boys. Congratulations — your article will probably help make it just a little bit harder than it was, for your daughter and for mine.

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The Cruz's May 1, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I read your article today and towards the end I got teary eye with how you were trying so hard to get into the GIRL HAPPY mode. Congrats on Maddie, sounds like your little girl is exactly what you needed!

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daberryfam May 1, 2009 at 12:59 pm

I, too, found your blog through CNN and must add something to the conversation. I wouldn’t have thought that people were hoping you will have a girl instead of a boy. Rather, they may have been wishing for you balance. Having had a boy first (now five), and then a girl (nearly three), I find myself perfectly balanced between the two extremes and marvel everyday at the beauty and wonder of each of them. When I first learned I was having a girl, and knowing this would be my last child, I was disappointed that my son wouldn’t have a brother and my daughter wouldn’t have a sister. But I’ve been finding that having an opposite sex sibling affords them an intimate insight into each the other and lends a balance to their emerging personalities that having a same sex sibling doesn’t afford.

My husband and I laugh hysterically when we see our sweet 2-year-old little girl in her princess dress (certainly not our doing, that’s all her!) playing in the mud pit in our backyard right along side her brother, then get up and heads over to the tree and tries to “pee like my brother.” They certainly balance each other out!

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Christine May 1, 2009 at 1:01 pm

I just read your article too, and totally get what you were feeling. I already have a girl and am due in August. I desperately wanted another girl, because it’s what I knew. It’s what I was good at.

I am having a boy, and the excitement is growing. The clothes are adorable and while my husband gets his “daddy’s girl” I’m really hoping for a momma’s boy. But for the weeks leading up to that u/s, I was afraid I’d be disappointed. Not at all, I can’t wait to get my little man!

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Maureen May 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm

My 2 little girls are amazing, and I often think that I wouldn’t know WHAT to do with a boy!
I think it’s completely normal for parents to lean towards one sex or the other. That apprehension certainly doesn’t mean that they would love the opposite gender any less, it’s just an uncomfortable thought for some!
I think that you were open and honest about your feelings, and no one should slight you for that!
That aside, I think CNN did you a disservice on one hand by renaming your article. First impressions are not opsitive based on the title alone. On the other hand, it compelled ME to read the article!
Congrats on ALL of your beautiful children, and I truly enjoyed your article-thank you!

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The Unmarried Daughter May 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Oh, my fracking good goddess, what a load of shit this is.

Misgoynist much?

I, for one, will be encouraging all women and men to boycott your show, and instead support any and all showings of the Vagina Monologues.

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Lisa May 1, 2009 at 1:42 pm

I loved your article because I felt the exact same way but I was pregnant with my first and was convinced it was a boy… Well out came a girl! I asked the Dr 3x's "are you sure it's a girl"? My husband looked at me like I was just delusional from the hard labor and delivery. I hate the color pink and I'm not a girly girl. I didn't know what to do with a girl. Well, I have since figured that out and I have two girls now, 13 & 16. One a Pink-Coach-Hollister loving cheerleader (she's killing me) and one just like me. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, execpt maybe a puppy. They don't yell or talk back.

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Mehan May 1, 2009 at 1:43 pm

I also found this article very disappointing, regardless of the inevitably happy outcome. How sad to hear that a mother came to love her child despite her handicap of being a horrid female. How doubly sad to see a woman so thoroughly indoctrinated in misogynist attitudes that she’s actually encouraging them in her sons.

I have three kids – boy, girl, boy. What I have found about raising kids is that those stupid gender stereotypes are mostly pushed onto children by parents like this blogger. All children are INDIVIDUALS. That’s what the blogger has missed. I have an athletic son, an athletic daughter, and a non athletic son. I have two brainiac/musician sons and a volleyball playing daughter who hates to read. I have two intense, active children (one a boy, one a girl) and one quiet, contemplative son. None of them are harder or easier than the other. They’re INDIVIDUAL HUMAN BEINGS, with good days and bad, easy aspects and difficult aspects.

Gender stereotypes are pernicious. They don’t help parents understand or guide their children. They harm boys as well as girls. They only prejudice them against the unique and individual nature each human being is born with.

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MamaJen May 1, 2009 at 1:48 pm

As I read this article on cnn.com this morning I kept saying “Wow – this is me!” My second child was a daughter. I didn’t know what I was having until she was born but up to that point I was quite vocal about not wanting a girl.

She is now 7 months old and I have changed my mind!

Great article – perfectly written!

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Lollipop May 1, 2009 at 1:48 pm

I did find your blog through CNN and thoroughly enjoyed your article. I am a mother of five and with each consecutive pregnancy has reservations about the child I was going to have. After my first son, I was somewhat afraid to have a daughter. What if she had been too “girly”? Then, another daughter was born following thoughts of will my oldest enjoy being the older brother of two sisters? Last, but not least, we decided to see if we could get child number four. My husband was apprehensive about a third girl, but only because he was picturing three teenage girls at the same time. Eek!! (I admit. It worried me too.) Well, we didn’t get three girls in a row. Lily has a twin brother born two minutes before her. Luke is my “bonus” baby. Of all of them, my fussiest, so far, about clothes and hair and such is my oldest, John. It is such a wonder to be able to enjoy each of them!

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Sarah May 1, 2009 at 1:55 pm

I was incredibly sad to read your article at CNN. It reminded me that a strong preference for boy children and all things “masculine” is not unique to “backward” far-away countries.
You and your husband seem determined to turn your boys into misogynist men. YOU are a woman and yet you put down all other women – maybe as an attempt to gain entrance to the oh-so-superior Boys Club? You said you hope the world is not too hard on your daughter, but what do you expect when you yourself projected such awful stereotypes and sexist expectations on her before she’s even born? Sex does not determine a person’s personality, likes, or hobbies. Cultural conditioning tries hard to separate people into binary gender roles, but that doesn’t mean anyone is inherently “feminine” or “masculine.” And “masculinity” is not better than “femininity” anyway. I hope your daughter does not grow up thinking of herself as a consolation prize.

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Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville May 1, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Wow, people sure get all up and huffy about a piece that’s written on your personal blog and reflects your honest opinion. I appreciate that honesty. And I bet there’s not a single reader or commenter who can claim that they are perfectly unbiased and wholly certain about every issue in their lives. Bullocks to them.

Anyway, I’m pregnant with my third, and it happens to be a boy after two girls. And I’ve been riled up by the ridiculous amounts of comments I’ve gotten along the, “OH! You’re getting your boy! That’s wonderful!” line.

I posted an entry in response to your article. http://rollingthroughlooneyville.blogspot.com/2009/05/human-baby-would-be-fine-thanks.html

I thought it was honest and well said. You’ve found another reader here.

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Lisa May 1, 2009 at 2:05 pm

I am the mother of 2 girls. I thought I always wanted boys because I was a tomboy growing up. Then I realized that having girls was the best of both worlds. If a boy plays with dolls he’s a wimp and most likely “Dad” will be ripping the doll out of his hands. But if a girl plays with a truck…it doesn’t hold a negative connotation. Girls are definitely (as a rule) higher maintenance and a little more drama at times. But to me it seems easier to try and teach a girl to be tough AND compassionate. With a boy you have to teach them to be tough at times,compassionate at others…BUT they can’t be TOO compassionate cuz then they’ll be a pushover or a doormat. I look at my opportunity of raising my girls as the chance to put 2 very strong and educated women out into society. If we can have more women like that coming up thru the ranks then maybe my daughters’ generation will not have to be subjected to the same inequalities that other women have endured in the past. And hopefully the mothers of boys being raised now…will be raising them to be fair and open minded in the future when they enter the business world and they will help keep the “old boy’s” school of thought out of the business world.

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Joanne May 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I have a boy and a girl, 6 yeasrs apart. Watching them trying to keep each other out of trouble brings tears to my eyes. I was offended by the majority of the artical until the end. I was relieved that you are given the opportunity to experience the different world of boys and girls. I hope through your beautiful writing, you will convey to more and more young mothers to stay open minded to all that our God has to give. What brings anyone the idea that we should or could choose to like either gender? We are blessed to be able to have kids of our own to love, cherish and keep them healthy, regardless all girls, all boys or a mix.

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LR May 1, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I read your article yesterday, and agree with an earlier poster that it left me with an extremely sad feeling. I really do hope that should your daughter come across this article later in life, she has a mind open enough and a heart big enough to understand and to forgive. I also am praying that serendipity does not one day lead my now 4-year old daughter to fall in love with, and want to marry, one of your sons. I shudder to think how she might be treated by a mother-in-law who harbors these feelings toward girls.

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Lyssa May 1, 2009 at 2:37 pm

I understand some of your sentiments. After raising two boys, a girl must seem like a challenge. But please, don’t raise your daughter to believe that she’s limited to pink and princesses. You don’t have to raise your kid to fit the gender stereotypes. Look after her and love her and she’ll grow into her own unique person, and that’s the most beautiful thing about parenting.

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Mehan May 1, 2009 at 2:52 pm

It’s equally disheartening to read the comments from many here agreeing that ‘girls are harder’. It always amazes me how people manage to extrapolate onto the entire human race from their very limited experience of raising 2 or 3 human beings. It’s no wonder these harmful gender biases have persisted into this current generation when you read the tenacity with which people cling to their stereotypes.

I shudder to think what this blogger, or many of the commenters here, would do if they had a son without the stereotypical male temperament. Or god forbid, a gay child. The sheer abundance of prejudice in this comments section is depressing.

It would have been different if the blogger had written about how WRONG her prejudices were, now that she has a daughter. Instead she only chose to parade them.

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Kristen May 1, 2009 at 3:19 pm

I just read your article. You are living, breathing proof that misogynists aren’t always male. Yes, it’s harder to be a girl in this world, and people like YOU are one of the reasons.

Some day, your daughter will read your essay. Some day, she will read it.

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Patsy P May 1, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Hi Amy.. Ohhhh I was so glad to get to the bottom of that article on CNN and see that you did “get it”.
I totally understand your feelings up until your daughter was born, but as the mom of two daughters who are my best friends, I knew you would find the treasure that daughters can be to a mom.

As for the girly princess stuff, remember princesses grow up to be Queens. My daughters were very pink and girly sometimes but also enjoyed getting dirty and rough and I think they are the better for having the experience of both.

I am very happy for your lovely big family.

Looking forward to reading your other posts.

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Ashley May 1, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Your article saddened me, no… It depressed me. I never would have guessed that someone can be so, so believing in gender roles so much that they outright didn’t want a girl!

It’s like saying tomboy attitudes don’t exist in little girls, and that parents have no influence what-so-ever on their baby’s personality! It’s like also saying that little girls are confined to pink, frilly things with sparkles! I have never seen any of my little female cousins in frills. Never. Never ever. Why? Because they do not like them.

If a parent doesn’t want their kid wearing frills, pink, purple, whatever, guess what? They don’t have to buy it! Isn’t that just magical? You can dress your little girl to be up in your sons hand me downs! Amazing!

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Marketing Mama May 1, 2009 at 3:30 pm

um… wow – you are pretty popular now, huh? Talk about the most comments ever on a blog post? 🙂

I’m off to go read your article.

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Doreen May 1, 2009 at 3:34 pm

What exactly was the point of writing this article? If it was to convey your fears over having a girl after having had two boys, then you got your point across…but it could have come across in a less misogynistic way.

You say you “get it” now. What was there to get? Having another baby was your decision and you had to play whatever hand you were dealt. I totally understand trying to wrap your head around having a girl when all you know are boys, but that’s just not the way your article came across. On the one hand, you made very relevant points about protecting your daughter as she grows up in a world that is often less than kind to its females. On the other hand, you made the female race sound like a bunch of spoiled brats who weren’t worth their weight in boys’ toys and clothes. Conflicted much?

I truly hope your daughter “gets” you and the way you write. She’s going to see this one day and she may either be really hurt or really pissed off. I know I would be both, and I would make sure you knew about it. How sad that the fact that you “get it” now didn’t come until the very end of the article. That should have been your opening. Maybe then you wouldn’t have left such a bad taste in people’s mouths.

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Mehan May 1, 2009 at 3:37 pm

It would have been a much less offensive article if she’d chosen to write about what she eventually “got”. Maybe that girls are people, just like boys? Or that boys ‘whine and mope’ plenty? Or that babies don’t buy their own pick clothes? What big breakthrough happened for you to be able to accept your child’s female gender as something other than a punishment?

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Marketing Mama May 1, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Ok, I’m great. What a wonderful, honest, touching story. THANK YOU for writing it. And I’m embarassed to walk on the same planet with the people who came here to shame you.

You are an awesome Mom, a human one, a funny-as-hell-one and your daughter, and sons, are really lucky to have YOU for their mom.

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Pam May 1, 2009 at 4:14 pm

After having a boy for my first child, I desperately wanted another boy. When I found out I was having a girl I cried. Then I cried for crying! I thought to myself, “What kind of mother am I? I should be happy that I have a healthy baby on the way.” It’s all part of “mother’s guilt” and it’s refreshing to know that other Moms have felt the same way.

I think it’s sad that many of the people who have made negative comments missed the meaning of your essay…these people must be perfect, right?! I didn’t once get the feeling that you “loathed” girls. To me your essay was about the “fear of the unknown,” which is exactly how I felt. I also worried about being a good enough role model for my daughter…likely more “mother’s guilt.”

Thank you for your honesty!

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smurasaki May 1, 2009 at 4:16 pm

You mentioned in your article that: “Having a daughter means there’s so much more, as a mother, that I can do wrong.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve already been doing it wrong since your first boy was born. By teaching them to view women and girls as whiny and manipulative and teaching them to look down on anything you view as “girly,” you’ve been adding to the struggles that women face. The struggles you’re now worried about your daughter facing. Never mind that the first struggle she’ll face will be her incredibly sexist mother and brothers (and possibly father – he did marry you).

Not only that, have you ever considered whether you are, in fact, forcing your sons to squelch parts of themselves in order to keep your approval? What if one of them actually does like some of the things you put down as girly? What if he’d like to play with dolls or paint his room pink? How would you feel if, years later, he comes to you and tells you how bad your pressure on him to be hypermasculine made him feel?

I feel sorry for all three of your kids. And I feel sorry for you – it must be terrible to hate your own gender.

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Jonquil May 1, 2009 at 4:36 pm

What were you thinking to publish this? Saying it to trusted friends is one thing, but you’ve put it out in public where your daughter will someday read it. Why would you do this to her?

Other than that, have you considered how all the stereotypes you attach to a daughter apply to yourself? Are you whiny and manipulative? Do you have elaborate hairstyling requirements? Do you wear ruffly frills? If not, why do you assume your daughter will?

My daughter, of whom I am immensely proud, is a feminist, is brave, is resourceful, and, yes, has hair down to her waist. She chose to learn to put on makeup herself, because her mother hadn’t a clue. In short, she can pick and choose from the menu of options available to all humans, as can your daughter — and your sons.

N.B. My daughter and my son both loved The Little Mermaid — perhaps that’s because I never labeled it as girly.

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Julie May 1, 2009 at 5:00 pm

I saw the article on CNN and thought “Someone’s admitting it!” I had my twin boys first, and seriously thought about not having another child because I didn’t want a girl. I just knew I wasn’t a good enough mommy to raise a girl. I decided that I, of course, would love a new baby no matter what an was being ridiculous. It was another boy! I was SO excited. Now, the twins are 5 and the “baby” is 2. I. Want. A. Girl.

I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog, I swear we would be best friends. Also, I have a Cooper. That name has gotten so popular, but when we named him I had never heard of another child named Cooper. Best of luck to you, hope to catch the show sometime in Houston!

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danielle May 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I love the CNN title, it made me click on it so fast! I have a 1 year old boy and I am having a girl in June, I know-we need a hobby! I am so sick of people assuming I’m done having kids b/c I have one of each, or saying “you are so blessed” after they find out I will have one of each. I am blessed for being able to concieve and carry a child, period. However, I am just recently becoming calm about having a girl. I knew I was having another boy, a little brother and bff for my sweet perfect son. So yes I felt the dissapointment, and then the shame for the dissapointment for a while. And it doesn’t help that I have been told over and over how much “easier” boys are. So many things terrify me about having a girl. And then there is the odd feeling that I let down my husband or son in some way? Pregnancy emotions are a mess! Anyway, I love that I’m not alone so thank you thank you for publishing your personal experiance. And since I’m sure you will raise a secure, educated, and loved daughter-I bet she finds the humor in your essay and maybe feel the same way when she starts her family one day. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for emotions you can’t control.

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Sarah May 1, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Amy is a writer. The essay was posted not on her “personal blog” but on CNN.com. Either way, though, misogyny is wrong no matter where it’s expressed, and I would have liked to read Amy’s thoughts about “getting it” rather than just a quick afterthought. To quote another commenter, “What big breakthrough happened for you to be able to accept your child’s female gender as something other than a punishment?”
And as yet another commenter pointed out, privileging all things “masculine” can hurt boys too! Boys are not “less complicated” than girls. In fact, legend has it male humans have emotions and complex inner lives just like female humans. Some of them even like tea parties and princess movies. That is, until the world (or their parents) stomps it out of them because it’s “girly” and therefore inferior.

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Cathleen May 1, 2009 at 6:03 pm

When I had my second daughter, my mother said to me –
“Your son is your son til he takes a wife, but your daughter’s your daughter for the rest of your life”.

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Robin_CT May 1, 2009 at 6:09 pm

To the people defending the article on CNN – you’re missing a very important point. It’s not that this woman was conflicted about having a girl, or was honest enough to write about it. That’s understandable. It’s her actions that are highly objectionable. It’s actively encouraging her young sons to disrespect “girly” playthings. Why, why, why would you do that? It wouldn’t be acceptable to encourage your young children to disrespect people of a different race or culture, would it? And she doesn’t see that she is actively propagating the myths she purportedly worried about as one of the reasons she was afraid to have a girl, that life would be harder for her.
What I find really depressing is that so many women here agreed with the writer, and even find her delightful. They should be asking themselves why they’re harboring such anti-female prejudices, and whether they’re passing them onto their children. Many people are writing that they know of girls who aren’t into pink or “girly-girl” things, as if that makes them acceptable, even if they are girls. What in the world is wrong with expressing yourself as a “girly-girl,” if that’s what you want? ALL of this nonsense devalues females, and we’ve got enough problems on that score as it is. At the end of the article the writer tells us that it turned out OK because she was able to love her daughter anyway. I am wondering, however, what torments the sons are going to think up for the kid should she have the misfortune to like the color pink or want to dress up as a princess for Halloween. One thing is for sure: I would never want my daughter dating anyone who has a mother like the writer.

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Chuchundra May 1, 2009 at 6:31 pm

What a great article. When I found out my wife was having a girl I had similar concerns. I’m the oldest of three boys. I have a son from a previous marriage. I have no idea how to do girls.

Of course now I’m completely in love with my precious baby girl.

I think that you touch on a universal theme that goes beyond gender. It’s very common to experience this kind of worry with a new baby on the way. Who will this baby be? How will we be able to handle it? It’s all about the uncertainty.

FYI, your blog has been invaded by the loonies over at Shakesville. That’s where the majority of negative comments are coming from, I’ll wager.

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Fishbiscuitland May 1, 2009 at 6:43 pm

I have no idea what Shakesville is,and I don’t think it’s loony to be offended by this article. The pattern of the defenders here in this column seems to be that it’s natural to objectify our children before birth based on gender stereotypes. It’s not. It’s the foundation of exactly the prejudice this writer claims to fear her daughter will be harmed by. Ironic that her own mother is afraid of her daughter being harmed by the same stereotypes she herself perpetuates.

And don’t think men aren’t harmed as well. My oldest son was a baseball star but couldn’t handle the jock mentality. He eventually quit the sport, which broke my heart, but he’s much happier now doing cycling and rock climbing and sports where he can be his own individual self.

The idea that boys are all little rowdy animals and girls are all little pretty princesses hurts both genders equally and reciprocally. I am one of those who wish this writer had addresssed THAT. I still can’t figure out what she was thinking posting this for posterity, where her daughter will be able to read just how much her family devalued her worth before she was even born.

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Sarah May 1, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Right, it’s so “loony” for women to be offended by anti-female sentiments and suffocating gender essentialism.

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CC Reiter May 1, 2009 at 7:47 pm

I read your article on CNN and then came over to the blog to see what other things there were I could identify with.
I have two girls. When I was pregnant with my first, I was told I was having a boy. After having a level 2 ultrasound, we found out that was wrong and we were actually, without question, having a girl. I was crushed and actually cried. I grew up a tomboy and still get along with “boys” better. Still, I knew I’d love my daughter – flesh of my flesh – but I was disappointed anyway. Then she was born and I fell in love. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, everyone, even the nurses, were convinced I was carrying a boy. I was terrified of having a boy. The day before I was to go in to the hospital I was eating lunch with friends and two little boys leaned on the edge of their table so hard all of the plates, food and all, went flying (I’m sure you can picture this “Three Stooges” moment). Immediately I started crying on my friend’s shoulder (literally) because I was so afraid I was going to have a boy. And my friend reminded my that MY boy would be different because I wouldn’t raise him to flip food across the restaurant. The next day my second daughter was born. I was so relieved! I totally know where you’re coming from. It’s not that I’m against having boys. It’s the fear of the unknown and the fear of being pulled away from your comfort zone. My oldest is 9 now and is not at all girly and is very much a tomboy. So, I guess I got the boy I originally wanted anyway (sortof).

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Erika May 1, 2009 at 7:59 pm

Here via the CNN piece, of course….

I’m glad you love your daughter and I’m sure you guys will be very happy together, but what I’m more worried about is the damage you’ve already done with your sons. Teaching them to mock girls and the things that (some) girls like doesn’t exactly advance gender relations in our society, you know?

Pink poodles are not inherently more ridiculous than trucks that turn into robots. Liking one versus the other doesn’t say anything about a child’s intelligence, strength, or character. Making fun of girls *makes* the world a more difficult place for them. So congratulations, you just made your job as a parent harder!

Finally, not to be a bummer or anything, but the three leading causes of adolescent death are accidents, homicide, and suicide, all of which happen to boys *much* more often than they happen to girls… so I don’t think that those of us who are raising sons should be patting ourselves on the back just yet. They may seem “easy” on the surface, but there is a lot of stuff going on underneath, and maybe if parents could let go of this myth of “easiness”, and the rigid gender norms that come with it, we could get at some of those problems before our sons end up in trouble.

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Irishtempest May 1, 2009 at 9:14 pm

I came across this blog from the cnn link and haven’t stopped laughing yet. I am already a few pages deep into this and am reliving mommy-hood from when my children were small. (Mine are 22 and 17, and let me tell you some things never change)

THANK YOU for bringing me laughter today.

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Rebecca May 1, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Frightening and upsetting article. Sure hope your boys aren’t still laughing at the concept of “girl things” and most of all that you aren’t laughing with them. I also hope that parenting a daughter has taught you to check your gender stereotypes at the door, along with your revulsion at all things traditionally female.

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SnowQueen May 2, 2009 at 12:00 am

Yes, I came here from CNN, because I had to find out more about the self-absorbed, whiny woman who has helpfully documented for her daughter how unwanted she was and perpetuated the very stereotypes she claims to hate. Even if these were your “honest thoughts,” not every opinion needs to be shared with the world, and you do not appear to have given any consideration to how your daughter will feel when she grows up and reads this. I am still hoping to have my first baby someday, but as I approach my 40th birthday it is looking less likely all the time. You clearly don’t appreciate how fortunate you are. I hope CNN never publishes another piece written by you.

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Cathleen May 2, 2009 at 2:55 am

As long as baby girls are left to die, aborted, or given up by the thousands by certain countries just for being the wrong gender, articles like this will ruffle my feminist feathers. When my girls were born, I thanked God. Up until now, I’ve never heard a woman say she didn’t want a daughter.

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Stephanie May 2, 2009 at 11:27 am

Why is it stupid to love pink and princesses? More stupid than having gun fights with remote controls,clearly. I love being a girl, I love hanging out with girls and I love myself. I hope your daughtr does too. Even if your sons laugh at herif she ever acts “girly”, and even if your suppressed hatred of those things and internalised mysogeny shows through from time to time. I honestly wish her the best.

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Stephanie May 2, 2009 at 11:30 am

*excuse me: misogyny

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danielle May 2, 2009 at 11:17 pm

You expressed so many of my feelings, my husband asked if I was ghost writing as “Amy Wilson”…I have two sons and am currently pregnant with a girl…but it just makes me crazy when people assume we were trying for anything other than a healthy baby…in fact, I told people we’d be happy with a Labrador Retriever, as long as it was healthy…of course, I anticipate having the same feelings afterward that you are experiencing now…oh to meet my baby girl…what fun!

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Stephanie May 3, 2009 at 9:41 pm

I’m sorry but seriously, to understand why so many people didn’t like the articel just read this commentary on it.

http://jezebel.com/5236191/this-mom-brave-enough-to-admit-she-wanted-a-boy-not-a-girl

The reason why so many people are supportive of you is because they haven’t really thought about the issue of feminism and the impact of the things that we say, even in passing. Hope this helps you to understand that we weren’t objecting to the title, but to the actual essay. All the best again.

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Carol Shwanda May 4, 2009 at 1:06 am

I am the mother of two daughters and in my opinion — girls rule. I was a single mother for years and recently remarried a man with two sons and a daughter. I have to say, having boys was a real eye opener. Not only do they drink right out of the milk carton, they also smell. I mean serious B.O. :)However, I love all my kids to death and can’t imagine my life without them. I think it is our job as parents to make sure that our kids have the best shot at life…no matter what.

Carol Shwanda.
wwwl.shwanda.com

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Becoming Mom May 4, 2009 at 1:46 pm

I came across your blog as well from CNN…and I loved the article. For anyone who has ever been pregnant, you can certainly identify with what you said, whether you wanted a boy or girl (or dare we ever admit what we truly wanted?). Thank you for the article and i’ll be following your posts.

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mamaof5 May 4, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Stephenie, if you are so outraged, why keep coming back? find a nice feminist blog!

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Stephanie May 4, 2009 at 10:46 pm

Mamaof5: Thanks, I appreciate your response. I came back because I wanted to see if she has said anything about all the comments people have been leaving about her article. She hasn’t but whilst doing so I read some of her other blog posts. I came back because feminism is important to me and as my post above indicates, I’ve already found a nice feminist blog to read. Thanks again.

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Sharon Byrne May 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Wow. You are really unconscious about how little regard you have for your own sex. I would call you misogynistic, but that would imply you are aware enough to discriminate so harshly against your daughter and yourself. I found your piece to be mostly a profoundly unaware bit of navel gazing, and I wish you were aware enough to know how harmful and damning your attitudes towards girls are. You stereotype pink princesses worse than most men do. Why is it so shameful to you to celebrate femininity? I too am very masculine minded, and my little daughter’s romantic streak caught me off guard. After some time, I realized she was expressing the part of me that wasn’t getting any expression: the soft, feminine, romantic part.

Why have we been conditioned to hate that part of ourselves? To think boys are so much better, and to only like the parts of girls that are…like boys?

I hope you become aware before you unconsciously pass these attitudes on to your children, and thus raise more unconscious female haters.

Good luck.

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liz May 14, 2009 at 12:26 am

How depressing that the sex of the child is such an issue, such a topic, such a media brouhaha, such a thing to make an issue of — either way — in the first place. Instead of coming into the world as an individual, an individual who might have any kind of talent, interest, personality, future — they come with a label, an itinerary, and a whole set of baggage, color-coded.

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Erika May 19, 2009 at 12:11 am

Gender disappointment is the luxury you have when you haven’t experienced the loss of a child. After delivering two stillborn children, and the loss of a baby through miscarriage,and struggling with infertility along the way, I can honestly say I’d be happy with a hermaphrodite! 😉 All babies are wonderful, and if you end up with a healthy, living, breathing one…you’ve won the lottery!

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harvestwidow August 7, 2009 at 11:06 pm

I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. I have three sons 20/11/8 and we had 'taken care' of the baby thing, so we thought. I'm 40 and on last blood test, have no hormones and haven't had a period in over a year and hubby had vasectomy. Case closed. On my 40th birthday I looked at my life and was so happy to be where I was. I had three beautiful sons, one in the air force and two in grade school. Our life revolves around agriculture (hubby is on the road 6 months of the year), baseball, Nascar etc and that's the way I like it. We were so pleased to be past the baby stage. Our kids are old enough now that it allows us a little freedom and I was going back to school. I was surprised, but 40 was good. After 20 years of child rearing and running a daycare I finally was free of small children and had freedom. When my youngest entered school I shut down the daycare and got rid of all the baby stuff. That portion of our life was closed and though I thought I'd be sad. I was happy and looking forward to being the mother of older boys and attending baseball tournaments and Nascar races without a diaper bag or a nap schedule. A full night's sleep was quite welcome too. Two weeks after my 40th birthday I found out I was 24 weeks pregnant. No prior symptoms or protruding belly until that particular week. I cried, and cried and cried. They set a sonogram for 4 days later. Nothing could prepare me for my reaction. It was May 4th and the c-section is August 31. But the worst of it was yet to come. "It's a girl." Tears filled my eyes. Great, to add insult to injury they will turn my whole testosterone haven upside down. The tears spilled out. The nurse looked at me. Oh do you already have girls? "No and I never wanted one either. I have three boys and that is all I ever wanted." Another boy would just be par for the course in my family with a daddy on the road 6 months a year but I don't want to raise a girl alone while he's gone. The boys are almost to the age where we could all go with daddy and help and a baby, in general, ruined that eventuality. I'd waited 10 years to finally get to go with my husband instead of stay behind. I don't want to raise a girl at all. My friends' daughters were fine for a short time, even fun I mean the clothes and bows were fun. But i could send them home. My attitude, better you than me. I even attempted to convince my husband to put the baby up for adoption as he will be 60 when she graduates. So here I am 24 days from my C-section keeping a brave face. Succeeding in convincing me and everyone around me that I'm OK most of the time but today I've spent the majority of the day crying and hoping this is all some cruel joke and in 24 days a Dr will be telling me. They were wrong, it's a boy and I won't even care that I have to return 10 million pink things to the store if it means another boy instead of a girl. And if one more person looks at me and so "Oh but maybe this time you'll get your girl." I'm going to go Chuck Norris on their butt. Why is it so hard for people to believe that not all of us want a girl? My life is absent nothing with my house full of boys. It is truly my Utopia. I had no sisters and I, and no I am no tomboy, prefer male friends. Females have never been my favorite people and now I am being forced to raise one. So, I'm a terrible person. i get it.

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Xgirl360 August 8, 2009 at 12:21 am

Harvestwidow, you are not evil. I am 32 and childless. I am still debating if I could handle and infant. My parents had stopped having children before my age so they could enjoy us. Its a big step to start over. But, it happened to my mother in law. She had little Austin at 44. She died when he was 8 and he's the greatest gift the family has. Now at 20, he's serving the Lord and we all are awed by him. Girls can be tomboys. I certainly was. She will worship her brothers and she'll enjoy what she's exposed to in a positive way. My only advise is to breath and pray. It will be okay. If you think coming to terms with having a child is hard. Try coming to terms with never having one. God has his plans for all of us. His plan for me is to spoil nieces and nephews and maybe with his blessing foster children. His plan for you, well, maybe its this baby. Who knows? Pray and take comfort, trials are not always without reward.

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Allison Slater Tate July 6, 2010 at 11:04 pm

Hey — Thanks for the shout-out. I just wanted to clarify that despite the unfortunate title at the NY Times, I DID want boys, I just also wanted a girl. I wanted both. I wouldn't trade one of my boys for a daughter now, because of course, I love them more than life itself. But it's separate to me — I wanted my children, but I just also wanted to raise a daughter. Thank you for the honesty and good luck in your parenting adventures!

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Amy Wilson July 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Hi Allison- thanks for visiting. I'm sorry to hear you, like I, had someone else title your essay and color its content. Seems like it happens way too often.

I think it's okay to want boys, girls, both, neither! Peace love and understanding! Thanks for your honesty as well.

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Guest October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Wow, nice to see people thinking this article was an attack on an entire sex. If you really want to combat sexism why don’t you do something  useful and go complain about the bad rap Kesha is giving women. I was the pink princess girl and I was also the Tom-boy. I really understood how Amy felt and how she still loved her little girl anyways. A preference for having a girl or a boy has nothing to do with making a baby feel “worthless.” Nor do I think it’s sexism to have a gender preference. We all dream about our baby/babies and when that dream is challenged by reality it can be disappointing or frightening. Even though I was a girly girl I really had hoped we would have a son. It’s not that I hate girls or hate pink – assuming this is true of me or Amy is just trying to get a dig in. I honestly think this is a difficult world to raise a daughter, and I will explain why, my feelings are NOT shallow pink versus blue nonsense. I also wanted a boy because everyone I know wants a little girl. I don’t find it surprising at all that another comment referenced “90% of adoptions are of girls.” I do think it’s shallow to hope the child will be just like you or love you because of it’s sex. You don’t have a baby to love you, you have a baby to love and give of yourself. And I WILL love my child regardless of sex – how dare people insinuate that the author or other women who feel similarly won’t love their child?!! The way you feel doesn’t make you a monster it’s your actions that define you. We are humans sometimes we have selfish thoughts, sometimes we think things that aren’t “love, peace, and happiness,” but that doesn’t mean we aren’t “good” people. 

Sometimes the cultural influences on young girls and women as a fault of men and sometimes of women. I’m not blaming one sex or the other for the  quite frankly “ugly” sexualization of young girls. I am having a daughter and as much as I don’t like these influences and will try to protect her from them I know that they are still there and can still effect her. This makes me extremely sad, because I know the world is tough. Even though I had a supportive family of strong women I still had a difficult time growing up as a girl. Maybe all the pretty pretty princess stuff has something to do with how girls that don’t fit the mold have to cope with. What I have read in recent months about girls bullying other girls, even MOTHERS bullying other girls makes me physically sick. Maybe because I was bullied as a girl by other girls I have more worries than most about this, but I know it’s a real fear that I wouldn’t have about my son. And sure we can get into the “what if your son wasn’t athletic or was effeminate,” argument but in  that’s not my fear. My fear is based in reality and my own experience.

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