who I’d most like to punch in the face

If you’re like me, you spend much of your free time these days on Facebook, being seduced by quizzes like “Which animal is your spirit guide?” or “What is your cute Japanese name?” (skip the latter, that’s five minutes I’ll never have back.)

Most of these quizzes are not worth the time to find out the answers for oneself, let alone some guy you went to grade school with and haven’t seen since. (His spirit guide, in case you’re wondering, was “CHIMPANZEE!”)

But there is one Facebook quiz that I think is the jam, and it is “The Top 5 People You Would Most Like to Punch in the Face.” It is a cleansing exercise for the self, and a most eye-opening look at your psyche for everyone else.

My five, chosen a few weeks ago, were Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlett Johansson, Dave Matthews, John Mayer, and Kate Gosselin. I’m not sure those are, upon further consideration, the five people in the WHOLE WORLD I would most like to punch in the face, but they were certainly a list easy enough to come up with, and Kate was at the top of my list.

OK, I stole her from my sister’s list. But how could I not? Who wouldn’t punch Kate in the face? It was so obviously correct that I could not resist. Let’s all hate Kate! She isn’t very nice to Jon, or the kids, and she’s germaphobic in a really inconsistent way, and her hair is just weird. I’ve only watched Jon & Kate under duress (read: the only thing on Jet Blue that was at all appealing), but I had seen enough to agree with my sister: Kate deserved a good punch in the face.

But the revelations of the last few weeks have made me penitent for crowning Kate as the pinnacle of punch-worthy. Who wouldn’t be snappy, if her husband was stepping out on her with some early 20 something tart, leaving her home with the 8 kids, and then was sitting there looking all puffy-eyed and tired from his nights out while the cameras rolled? It’s remarkable that Kate hasn’t punched HIM in the face yet, and I think, with what we all know now, she would have raised herself considerably in our estimation if she had.

So I have learned the lesson, again, that we mommies should not be in the position of judging one another. If Kate’s marriage is really disintegrating before an audience of millions, that’s just sad, and she should be able to behave however she damn well pleases. Still, if she’s going to have a fresh start, I would really feel better if she would do something about her hairband of Rod Stewart she’s got going across the top. If there’s anyone who deserves to be punched in the face, it’s her hairdresser.