For those of you not already familiar with The Mouthy Housewives, they are four moms– Wendi, Marinka, Heather, and Kelcey- who are so funny and cool that people show up wherever they party and start handing out free vacuum cleaners, and I ain’t frontin’.
Besides the swag of a lifetime, the Mouthy Housewives offer sassy and hilarious answers to all your most burning questions. I recently had the privilege of being a guest Mouthy Housewife, which was fun and only a little bit intimidating. Here was the question thrown to me (and my answer):
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I made a very huge mistake last year and fear I can never, ever get out of it short of moving or death. You see, I decided to become active in a militant group more popularly known as the PTA. They insist on blood (really), sweat (so unattractive) and tears (usually caused by the meanest of mean girl that can be found outside of a high school).
After realizing “These women are scary,” I quit and now they won’t go away. They stalk my Facebook, watch my tweets and even wait until I post something on my blog so they can then try to decipher hidden meanings in it that they think they can use to bring me down.
Do you think I have to change my name, move and join the witness protection program or is there another way to make these meanie moms go away? I tried a Roach Motel and Pest Control, but I am pretty sure they could even survive a nuclear war along with the roaches and Wall-E.
If I Wanted to Play High School Games, It Wouldn’t Be Mean Girls; It’d Involve a Cheerleading Outfit & My Husband
Dear If I Wanted,
It is so true that when our kids go back to school, we do also– and, for better and worse, we have a real possibility of a do-over, a chance to sit at a different lunch table. Unlike our own high school experiences, where the rules for who sat at the Mean Girls’ table were as inscrutable as they were ironclad, the rules for being part of the “in” crowd among school parents seem pretty simple. Like Marcia Brady, all one need do is sign oneself up. It sounds like that was your plan last year. But now that you’ve realized the Pretty Terrifying Absolutists are not really your style, did you really think you could just walk away? What were you thinking? They’ll cut a bitch.
Here’s what you need to understand: you cannot break up with a stalker, or else they’ll stalk you. You have to get them to break up with YOU, if they’re ever going to leave you alone. In your case, the best way to do this– stay with me, here– is to actually rejoin the PTA, but on the lowest-rung committee you can find. The Semiannual Coaches’ Appreciation Breakfast? The used pencils drive for the less fortunate (or less pencil-owning?) Pretend you’ve seen the light. Get back in- just a little bit. Then, be so lame at your lowly task that someone else has to step in and pick up the slack for you. Once they realize you are apparently so dim you don’t even know how to photocopy, they’ll dump your ass, and go after some sweet, unsuspecting pre-K mom. And sure, you could warn her.
But in a world this cutthroat, you gotta look out for yourself.
Amy Wilson, Guest TMH
To see how my advice went over with the Mouthy Housewives readers, check out their site– even the comments are hysterical! (it seems their readers are almost as lovable as mine).Thanks Mouthies!