what my son learned on his field trip

My 7-year-old son’s class went on a field trip to a state park last week, and it seems that– as is usually the case with field trips– the bus ride there and back was the best part. I can’t say he learned much from his field trip per se, but he definitely learned a few things on the bus. 

“Do you want to hear a song, Mom?” he said breathlessly, as soon as I showed up to get him. Well, of course I did! 

Somebody once told me
The world was macaroni
So I took a bite out of a tree
It tasted kinda funky
So I spat it at a monkey
And the monkey started yelling at me
Ten thousand years later
The monkey was Darth Vader
And he threw his light saber at me
It missed me by a mile
So he threw me in the Nile
And that’s the end of my story!

His little brother stared, wide-eyed. “Sing that again!” he commanded.

A few hours later, after practicing in their room a few hundred times, they had a two-man act ready to go, and their little sister was a most rapt audience. The show only ended when I told them if they sang it one more time I was going to throw something. Then, of course, I sang it to myself for the rest of the night, since it was irretrievably stuck in my head.

It’s not a bad song, really- although the swerve into Darth Vader territory is kind of out of nowhere. (Then again, Star Wars references are de rigueur for anything in the second grade.) But there is always room for improvement, and by the next morning, Connor was sure he had something even better. “Mom! Mom! Listen! I have a new song! Mom! Listen!” he wheedled, and once I had my coffee ready, I did.

Somebody once told me
The world was made of pizza
So I took a bite out of a tree
It tasted kind of funky…

I’ll spare you the rest, except to say that other than changing “macaroni” for “pizza,” the song was exactly the same, which is like when Vanilla Ice tried to say “Ice Ice Baby” was different from “Under Pressure” because they added one more dum to the dum-dum-dum-da-da-dum-dum part. So of course, I had to be Wiseass Mom and point out that changing one word didn’t really make it a different song. This came back to haunt me a few minutes later, when Seamus and Connor came giggling out of their bedroom to belt out

Somebody once told me
That my pee was made out of french fries
So I took a bite out of my pee
It tasted kind of weird
So I spat it at my butt
And my butt started yelling at me
Ten thousand years later
My butt was a football player
And he threw his football at me…

Maggie chortled heartily at this. “Dem pee is made of FWENCH FWIES?” she laughed, rolling her eyes at the absurdity of it all.

“Okay guys. First of all,” I said, “no songs like that in front of your sister. Second of all, you have completely abandoned any sense of a rhyme scheme. Thirdly, that doesn’t make sense, because no one would believe that their pee was made of french fries.”

“Why not?” they chorused.

“Because,” I said, “pee is a liquid and french fries are a solid.” 

They thought for a moment.

“Well,” Seamus reasoned, “we could say dere POOP was made of french fries.” 

Curses! Once again, I was bested by my children. This song has infinite ribald varieties, and over the last few days, I’ve heard them all. Ah, field trips. What does your kid learn on the bus? 

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

marisa1982 October 4, 2010 at 7:03 pm

I am laughing so hard I am crying and I'm not even exaggerating. That is beyond hilarious.


Kelly C. October 5, 2010 at 5:54 am

I'm with Marisa – that is so far past hilarious, there isn't even a word for it. Did you even keep a straight face? And if so, HOW?? I'd be rolling on the floor.


Anonymous October 5, 2010 at 8:40 am

Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.

Batmobile lost a wheel,
And Joker got away.

-From the Vault


Anonymous October 5, 2010 at 8:42 am

It makes your face turn green.
It makes your ears turn red.
It makes you vomit.
So try some Comet,
And vomit

-From the Vault


Anonymous October 5, 2010 at 8:50 am

To the tune of "rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

Rudolph the bow-legged cowpoke
Had a very shiny gun!
And if you ever saw it,
You would turn around and run!
All of the other cowpokes
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any poker games!
Then one foggy Xmas eve,
Sheriff came to say,
"Rudolph, with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife tonight?"
Then all the cowpokes loved him,
And they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the bow legged cowpoke,
Please shoot my wife for meeee!"

-From the Vault

all the boys loved that one, because girls, overall, were annoying.


Anonymous October 5, 2010 at 8:57 am

Puff the magic dragon,
Lived by himself,
He had no one to play with,
So he played with himself.
He got himself a girlfriend,
But that was not enough,
So he got himself a boyfriend,
And thats why they call him "Puff."

-From the Vault


Amy Wilson October 5, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Anonymous, you are amazing, and what is even more amazing is that you posted these all at 4:30 in the morning. I can't decide if that is really late or really early.

But I wonder if the "girls, overall, were annoying" part might ruffle some feathers around here. Not mine, of course, I welcome robust discourse.


Taube October 6, 2010 at 12:34 am

It's good to know the kids are learning new songs these days! Much more benign than some of the stuff we learned on the school playground (Miss Lucy had a steamboat? Pretty racy stuff!) My 2 1/2 year-olds came home from school the other day calling each other stupid (and not having a clue what it meant). I guess I can't complain, though, since I'm sure any day now they'll be teaching the other kids to say "dammit"!


Jaime October 7, 2010 at 1:47 am

>>>Second of all, you have completely abandoned any sense of a rhyme scheme.<<<

As one who majored in English Lit, this made me laugh so hard, I can't even tell you.


Anonymous October 7, 2010 at 2:14 am

Amy, it was really early for me.

Last one:

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man,
I live in a garbage can!
I always eat spinach,
That's why I'm deformed.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!!

-From the Vault

ps my family loves your blog!


Candy October 12, 2010 at 6:07 pm

I've just happened upon your blog and this post is absolutely hilarious. I have 3 children as well and I could so imagine this exact exchange. Thanks for the laughs!


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