for Father’s Day: a proclamation of my almost entirely serious admiration

Dad’s special day doesn’t get half the ink, fuss, or spending frenzy of Mother’s Day, and honestly you don’t hear fathers dusting up about that too much.  But that isn’t to say they are undeserving of recognition, even if they claim not to need the pomp and circumstance. This morning my husband saw me behind his back whispering and gesturing frantically (and subtly, or so I thought) to the kids that they should get to work on their homemade Father’s Day cards. “It’s okay,” he said. “Seriously, you can skip it. I know you guys love me.”

But my children’s father deserves better. And just in case I can’t find the card I bought at the drugstore a few days back (seriously, it must be here somewhere), I am hereby offering the below tribute:


WHEREAS, the children and I wish to honor and acknowledge all the contributions you make to the greater good;

WHEREAS, you suffer the little children to come unto you and climb upon you, yea, even all at the same time; 

WHEREAS, you have pretty much stopped playing golf (which you cannot do with the kids) and have started going fishing (which you can);

WHEREAS, you are not funny, but it is kind of funny how not funny you are; 

WHEREAS, when a bird flew in the house today and it was throwing itself against the kitchen windows most pathetically, I came and got you and said “get it out,” and you did not respond “why do you think I, as a man, am somehow more capable of this than you are?”, nay, you let me hide in the next room while you got a broom and whistled at the bird until you could shoo it back outside safely; 

NOW THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, by your wife and three offspring, that we hereby adopt, approve, and authorize your ninth Father’s Day, to be observed by sleeping until you are no longer tired, or until it is lunchtime, whichever comes first. 

Happy Father’s Day! How are you recognizing the dads in your lives?