All I Want For Christmas is Stuff I Have Neglected To Mention To My Mother Until Now

While checking Seamus’s backpack for stinky gym clothes last night, I found, in his homework folder, his Christmas list.










Here are my top thoughts upon reviewing said list.

  • None of these items have been mentioned to “Santa” at any previous point. “Santa” has acquired an entirely different, and presumably now less-wanted, toy collection, from a list three weeks previous.
  • However “Santa” is considered both omniscient and magic, and so will know that these things are what Seamus wants most, and will of course, by everything childhood innocence holds dear, come through.
  • “Santa” had considered a “ginny pig” at some length (although not expressly on any Christmas list) but had rejected said pet as too likely to make our apartment smell like Petco after ten minutes. So that’s not happening.
  • The book “The Scar,” to quote the publisher, recounts the tale of how “a little boy responds to his mother’s death in a deeply moving story leavened by glimmers of humor.”

While that sounds like an absolutely necessary, loving and useful book for a little boy whose mother *has* died, it does seem like a strange choice for a seven-year-old who has no need of even contemplating such a sad reality. It seems a VERY strange choice BY that first grader, who, when gently told that it’s a book about a dead mother, responded, “I know, that’s why I want it.” Presumably for those “glimmers” of humor.

That book may or may not be happening.

  • Gold Bond. As in the medicated healing lotion. May I repeat, Seamus is SEVEN. When asked why this particular item (with relatively phallic illustration) made the list, Seamus calmly replied, “Because my friend Victor uses it. And Victor has really soft hands.”
  • Wait, how does Seamus know that Victor has really soft hands? Are they going out? Or is it just general first-grade knowledge that the Softest Hands award goes to Victor? Does Victor make it known? Challenge others to make their hands softer? Should I be using Gold Bond Medicated Healing Lotion to make my hands soft as Victor’s? How will I know if they are without getting Victor to hold hands with me as well?
  • A “black and green T-sheirt.” Here my son has just GOT to be messing with me. Three years ago he vowed that he wanted nothing, NOTHING for Christmas but “a blue Jeep,” and I turned eBay and the state of New Jersey upside down finding the only one that existed outside his imagination.

“Why black and green?” I asked Seamus. “Is there a… black-and-green team that you like?” (At least then I could use that name in an online search.) “Nope,” Seamus said. “They just look good together.”

I thought my Christmas shopping was pretty much done.

If anyone spots a black and green T-shirt in their travels, let me know. Santa is feeling desperate.

Do your kids spring an entirely new list on you ten days before Christmas?

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