All I Want For Christmas is Stuff I Have Neglected To Mention To My Mother Until Now

While checking Seamus’s backpack for stinky gym clothes last night, I found, in his homework folder, his Christmas list.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are my top thoughts upon reviewing said list.

  • None of these items have been mentioned to “Santa” at any previous point. “Santa” has acquired an entirely different, and presumably now less-wanted, toy collection, from a list three weeks previous.
  • However “Santa” is considered both omniscient and magic, and so will know that these things are what Seamus wants most, and will of course, by everything childhood innocence holds dear, come through.
  • “Santa” had considered a “ginny pig” at some length (although not expressly on any Christmas list) but had rejected said pet as too likely to make our apartment smell like Petco after ten minutes. So that’s not happening.
  • The book “The Scar,” to quote the publisher, recounts the tale of how “a little boy responds to his mother’s death in a deeply moving story leavened by glimmers of humor.”

While that sounds like an absolutely necessary, loving and useful book for a little boy whose mother *has* died, it does seem like a strange choice for a seven-year-old who has no need of even contemplating such a sad reality. It seems a VERY strange choice BY that first grader, who, when gently told that it’s a book about a dead mother, responded, “I know, that’s why I want it.” Presumably for those “glimmers” of humor.

That book may or may not be happening.

  • Gold Bond. As in the medicated healing lotion. May I repeat, Seamus is SEVEN. When asked why this particular item (with relatively phallic illustration) made the list, Seamus calmly replied, “Because my friend Victor uses it. And Victor has really soft hands.”
  • Wait, how does Seamus know that Victor has really soft hands? Are they going out? Or is it just general first-grade knowledge that the Softest Hands award goes to Victor? Does Victor make it known? Challenge others to make their hands softer? Should I be using Gold Bond Medicated Healing Lotion to make my hands soft as Victor’s? How will I know if they are without getting Victor to hold hands with me as well?
  • A “black and green T-sheirt.” Here my son has just GOT to be messing with me. Three years ago he vowed that he wanted nothing, NOTHING for Christmas but “a blue Jeep,” and I turned eBay and the state of New Jersey upside down finding the only one that existed outside his imagination.

“Why black and green?” I asked Seamus. “Is there a… black-and-green team that you like?” (At least then I could use that name in an online search.) “Nope,” Seamus said. “They just look good together.”

I thought my Christmas shopping was pretty much done.

If anyone spots a black and green T-shirt in their travels, let me know. Santa is feeling desperate.

Do your kids spring an entirely new list on you ten days before Christmas?

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

sarah o. December 15, 2011 at 4:36 pm

this is hilarious, especially the part about victor and his hands.  perhaps you should make it a point to meet him and shake his hand sometime.  maybe a girl noticed victor’s soft hands and seamus wants a girl to notice his soft hands.  or maybe he has been holding hands with victor.  either way.

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 4:46 pm

feelin’ it here as well sister.  There’s an updated list by my 8 year old hanging on my fridge right now…
only has 2 items:: a {REAL} dirt bike.  and green apple tic tacs. 
you’d think the tic tacs would be easy, not so.  I might have to opt fot the dirt bike to avoid complete and utter santa devestation!
Blessings!

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm

If I find apple Tic Tacs I’ll let you know. Keep an eye out for that black and green t-shirt. Santas have to watch each other’s backs

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Ann December 15, 2011 at 6:00 pm

BOL. I burst out laughing.

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Audra Flammang December 15, 2011 at 6:11 pm

I LOVE this! I have a 60- year old child, too. With champagne tastes. He asked Santa for an emerald and a $100 bill, as well as “a frog, any kind but tree” and a Sacagawea dollar. 

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Tell him Sacajawea dollars only come from the Tooth Fairy.

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Shayla December 15, 2011 at 6:12 pm

giggled, a little bit, out loud, in my cube at work. kids are hilarious. my friend’s kid recently told her, “i want a cat. and a cactus.” he is 4. no one can figure out why he wants either of those things…

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Yuliya December 15, 2011 at 6:30 pm

oh dear, hysterical, thank you for that!

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Carrie December 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Sounds very familiar!  My son won’t even tell me his list this year.  He’s six and says Santa isn’t real.  He’s going to prove Santa isn’t real by not telling me what he wants.  His loss, I guess.  How does he know Santa isn’t real?  Because he wanted a sweater last year and Santa didn’t bring him a sweater.  What the what what?  A sweater? Why?  I thought he hated clothes.

Love this post!

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Wow. I guess double down on the reverse psychology and buy him 100% things you are sure he won’t want.

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Amy @ Bitchin' Wives Club December 15, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Ben Ten is your express card to black and green clothing. I at a total loss on the book and the gold bond lotion… although I do recall one of my kids telling me I should be buying it because of it’s magical powers.

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Ben Ten! Thanks Amy, you’re a lifesaver. 

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Melanie December 15, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Oh get him the Gold Bond.  Then put the pictures away for when he is older and you need leverage.  

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Liz@PeaceLoveGuac December 15, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Hilarious! Love the gold bond drawing. Also…just because Santa is magical and all-knowing doesn’t mean he doesn’t have deadlines. 🙂

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

SERIOUSLY. I wish there was an Elf on the Shelf saying on that. “Santa must shop by the fifteenth, you know, so get those lists in, or the answer is no!”

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anna see December 15, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Ha! My daughter just gave me her Christmas list. I’ve been finished shopping for weeks. UGh.

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Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Right? Why bother shopping at all? Why not wait until Christmas Eve? 

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Ann December 15, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I’m back. This is that funny to me.

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Luckymomma December 15, 2011 at 11:49 pm
Sari Ratner Judge December 15, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Good luck, Amy.  Maybe a little swig of the “ginny” pig (that’s got to be a euphemism for something) will give you the courage to head out in search of the Gold Bond.  And this has all been very educational for me–I thought GB only came in powder form.

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Anonymous December 16, 2011 at 12:20 am

When my daughter was 6 years old (she is now 27), she changed her ENTIRE Christmas list 2 days before Christmas.  Then cried when Santa didn’t bring her anything she asked for.  

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Molly December 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Oh…I laughed so hard I cried when I got to the Gold Bond…it was the soft hands that did it…what a sweet and innocent response.  Good luck!  I just pulled my 10 year old twins (practically kicking and screaming) in to email Santa a letter for this very reason- to avoid the Christmas morning devastation.  They’re at the tale end of believing…very skeptical at this point with comments like “Well if Santa is really real, then I don’t have to write him a letter because he should already know what I really want.”  Enjoy the magic while it lasts…

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Erin December 16, 2011 at 12:30 pm

That Victor, he does have a soft touch. So funny. 

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TheTiredMother.blogspot.com December 16, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I am so happy to hear that I am not the only one who this happens to.  We have four, and they have all sprung new things that they “Need To Live” this Christmas.  Unfortunately, it also changes daily.  I guess it’s a good thing I have a few extra kids around….

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The Whole Bag of Chips December 16, 2011 at 5:19 pm

This is SO funny! And yes, I hate when that happens, you buy all the things you *think* they want and THEN you get the list!! This year, we’re surprisingly close, luckily, but in years’ past we’ve had things sprung on us as well, although I think your Gold Bond request takes the cake! Good luck…
Jen
http://www.thewholebagofchips.com

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Stephanie Precourt December 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

OMG Gold Bond. That’s hilarious. Does he also watch The Price is Right?
Steph

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Lisa December 16, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I recently bought a green and black stripe, zip up, Polo sweatshirt from Macys for my nephew who is 8. 

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I am a daddy at home December 17, 2011 at 3:06 pm

“black and green T-sheirt” part is just great!

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MarinkaNYC December 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

That is so, so funny.  I thought he meant Gold Band and assumed he was getting ready for marriage.

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Bridget December 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I got this shirt for my son in October:  Lacoste Kids Boy’s L/S Stripe Jersey Polo (Little Kids/Big Kids).  It’s green with black stripes.  Land’s End may prove helpful too.

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Adkeif December 20, 2011 at 2:33 am

Ah, yes.  The ever-changing MUST HAVE Christmas list.  It’s the bane of my existence.  That and what my kids want to be for Halloween or what they want their birthday party themes to be.  I order the supplies or costume and then it changes!  I told my 3 kids about a week ago that they couldn’t add anything new to their lists because Santa had already started packing his sled and their gifts had already been loaded.  Try that one!

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