Tooth Fairy, you’ve got some explaining to do

We’ve had a lot of Tooth Fairy action in our house lately– three teeth lost in the last two weeks (two for Connor, one for Seamus). This led to a frantic scramble last Tuesday after the kids went to bed. You see, the “Tooth Fairy” had only twenties in her wallet (she has the same ATM issues as the rest of us), and the “Tooth Fairy” was home alone with the kids and couldn’t go get change, and despite a long search, the “Tooth Fairy” could find smaller bills in neither laundry-basket jeans nor abandoned purses. No, all the “Tooth Fairy” came up with was a lone five-Euro bill in Mr. “Tooth Fairy”‘s underwear drawer, left over from some business trip.

And so “Mrs. Tooth Fairy” left the five Euros under the lucky boy’s pillow, with a note explaining that she had just flown over the Atlantic and didn’t have time to hit the currency exchange. Since my children are blissfully ignorant of the falling dollar, I gave Connor five bucks for five Euros, and he seemed very happy indeed.

Still, I know, I KNOW. “Five DOLLARS? Boy, the Tooth Fairy is pretty fancy at your house!” I can hear you and my grandmother clucking your tongues right now, and according to this CNN story, the average going rate for a US incisor these days is about $2.60. But it was what I had on hand, and honestly, if I got a dollar per tooth back when we were celebrating our nation’s Bicentennial, I think we should all face facts that inflation has touched most things in these many intervening years.

Even after I pulled out this massive Tooth-Fairy save, however, I was not off the hook, since the kids all of a sudden wanted to know ALL ABOUT the Tooth Fairy. “Mommy, why does her want our teeth?” Maggie asked, and hell if I know. Maggie was also very concerned about just how the Tooth Fairy had gotten in to our house, and that stumped me too, until she decided that it was probably through the holes in our kitchen window’s screen. (Sure, screens can catch mosquitoes, but the Tooth Fairy is apparently really small.)

Still,  I feel like we have to get our act together on this, as a people: what is the Tooth Fairy’s deal? I have previously complained about what a lousy backstory the Easter Bunny has. How are we supposed to keep our kids believing in a giant bunny who brings candy if we have no explanation for

  • where he lives
  • why he’s giant
  • how he gets into our houses
  • how he carries enough candy for every kid in the whole world in one basket. I mean, Santa can fit a hemisphere’s worth of bikes and sleds in a single sleigh, but he’s got eight reindeer pulling it. We’re supposed to tell our kids that a rabbit is CARRYING all this loot himself, and like, HOPPING while he does it, and I just don’t see how that works.
  • why eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs. Where’s he getting them all? Are the chickens on board with this?
  • oh, and this last one: why a bunny? Why candy? Why does he CARE?  

There aren’t enough Rankin/Bass stop-motion animators in the WORLD to make a lick of sense out of all that.

And now there’s a fairy that wants to take all our children’s jawbone enamel detritus, and do who knows what with it. It’s creepy at best. Besides, if Maggie’s right, and the Tooth Fairy is smaller than a mosquito, that means she’s flying around with teeth that are like 25 times her size. HUNDREDS of them. Can she fly with her hands full? Does she carry a tote bag? Hell, is she a she?
Have your kids asked you any very-good-questions like these? Did you have any very-good answers?